self portrait as cuddling 

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i am intertwined feet and breath hot on napes

too close and yet not close enough

the sliver of sunlight that streams through the window illuminates only parts of me, and never

quite can cover the entirety of my body

to be laid on or to lay, either way

i am closer to the other because our bodies are speaking in vernaculars i have yet to

understand

goosebumps trail along my skins thin surface, speaking feverishly and withdrawn at the same time

these details shyly reveal our affection, from the nervous sweat that pools where our bodies touch to the

hush that falls among my tiny hearts littering our forearms

i am an enveloping slumber bringing solitude and weakening the distraction that is a

cacophony of voices inside my head

the warmth i can feel is enough to ward nightmares for days

weeks

but the cycle always ends and the sun must fall-

as the terrors return as soon as the moments through yet they had never really gone

the terrors of unworthiness

awkwardness

stiff limbs

melt away.

i am

an uncertain certainty

i am wanting you to feel comfortable, catering to your calls and pleased with small

praise

that forms in the soft strokes that ease the

 boulders of tension between my shoulder blades

heavy thoughts

slowing gears

My head is clear, safe for the space taken up by this 

between us.

for a fraction of the minutes we share,

i am who i want to appear as, safe for the fraction of terrors in the seconds 

between us.

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