Oh ho ho. Everything is me, as it shall always be! In case you can’t get that through your pea-sized brain, I’ll elaborate. You’ll have to forgive me if I don’t explain this well because this is like the green giant explaining peas to an ant, I know you won’t get it but I’m gonna do it anyway.

Ever since I started writing for this paper I’ve been mentally stalked and physically mocked by the former Op/Ed Section Editor, I don’t even want to say his name I’m so peeved by his existence, but I also know none of you pea kids are gonna figure it out, so his name is Will Wamser. There, I said it. He has been tormenting me ever since I first wrote about him oh those many weeks ago.

Will hasn’t even been the one stitched into my psyche, it’s the idea of Will. Now, I will admit that the first article I chose to write about Will Wamser, but since then this paper has kept assigning me stories about him. I was forced to interview him and then I was forced to write an article clarifying that I’m not him (which I am not).

And finally, last week I was able to write about what I truly wanted to, what mattered to me. Snapchat geo-filters, something which has always been a huge part of my life and I needed to share with the world. And it was great!! It has given me so much power.

There have been two types of responses to the article. Firstly, everyone’s praise and love has been overwhelming and has inflated my ego to a dangerous level. Secondly, many people seem to believe I am Will Wamser, and continue to congratulate him on my achievements. This has made me bitter and cold to the world. This has made me realize that it is only I, Bill Bamser, who understands this world and it is me alone who can bring peace to the lone souls of this dank hole.

This is why I am opening a cult-no wait it’s a religion! I’ve been told to call it a religion. My religion (wink wink) is “The Second Church of Bamser,” the first church of Bamser was already taken. This is a cult built on a foundation of love. It is I who loves you and no one else. Listen to this, I love you, get it? Now I’m sure you’re sitting there thinking, “I’ve been burnt by cults in the past, what makes this one different?” Well, we actually love you and we actually work. As a group we shall take down all those who has accosted us with their false names and their disrespect. We also do a lot of fun projects! We are currently working on a giant claw so we can steal the sun.

The truth is, you need me. Look at how many people loved my article, I have such influence. I would like to use that influence for good, to benefit both of us, to benefit you. Please don’t make me use my influence against you. Plus, this is so easy to join! Just ask some of my favorite prisoners!

Hold on, my PR guy is telling me I shouldn’t say prisoner. Then let’s ask some of my favorite servants. I’m being told that servants doesn’t work either. So, we are gonna be asking some of my best friends! Big ups to Elizabeth Rosenthawl for helping me out with all this PR stuff. She is now telling me not to use her name, so let’s call her Beth instead. Thanks Beth!

Anyway, let’s hear some of my best friends say why they love it here! [Name redacted] says “I, like Bill, kept getting mistaken for others, but it is through his power that I have been able reclaim who I am. And all it took were my kids!” That sounds convincing to me, but let’s talk to [Name redacted] to see why they joined! “It came down to finding the power in Bill, he can do terrible terrible things, but they are great and he is great and he even took my kids!”

Let’s hear from one more best friend, [of course it’s redacted], who says “Bill is a god, no two ways about it, the fact that he allows me in his presence brings me hope for this world (and it was all for the low low price of my kids) but let me be sincere for a moment, I truly feel at home and… wait who’s that?”

I apologize for my best friend there, but someone seems to have just entered the room, I can’t tell who it is yet but he’s stepping out of the shadow as I type. Ok, I am turning my head to look at who this person may be. And… ghasp.

Oh no, oh no oh no oh no.

He’s here.

Dear reader, you’ll stick with me no matter what, right? No matter what. Because Will Wamser has just entered the room and he looks hot, pissed and sick as a dog. I am currently writing this as I bravely cower behind my golden shrine (it was a gift from the pope) and I hear Will Wamser slowly approaching. Dare I turn to look? There is a crack between shrine me’s legs, I’m going for a peak.

I don’t believe what I am seeing, best friend after best friend is attempting to tackle him, but despite Mr. Wamser’s sickly nature he is throwing them off with ease. Excuse me, I must defend my home and my being, wish me luck. I love you.

Cough, cough

Bill Bamser is dead and Will Wamser is back, though very hurt in the process. I am Will Wamser and I killed Bill Bamser for the good of the world. I wish you could have seen the battle it was quite the showing. It was too cool to describe with any words that I know, and I know a lot of them. It’s ironic that this all started with me leaving the Muhlenberg Weekly and it is ending with me right back here. I have defeated the monster I created, but he has defeated me. It is with my dying energy that I am typing this. It’s true, I’m hitting god up on the greatest facebook of all, heaven.

I’m just glad that my last words are through the Muhlenberg Weekly.

Note from the Editor: We send our thoughts and prayers out to Will Wamser’s friends and family as we mourn with them.

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