I am sure all of you have already heard the news about the former Op/Ed Section Editor, Will Wamser, and his unexpected early retirement. This news saddened and shocked a nation. This nation to be more exact. I had the honor to sit down with Will Wamser this week to talk with him about what he has been doing since leaving the Weekly, he requested we not talk about the Weekly and focus on him, but unbeknownst to Mr. Wamser my allegiance is to my readers, but you’ll see just how later in this article. He told me to meet him at the top of a mountain in the middle of the ocean and when I emailed him asking for further clarification, I received a mailer daemon message informing me the email account I had been in correspondence with had been disabled for 837 years.

Seeing as a time for the meeting was never set, I began roaming from mountain to mountain in hopes of finding Mr. Wamser, but I ended up finding myself. So here we are, the interview has been lost, but I have been found. And as I sit at my standing desk I must wonder what is a person and how can we help one another as bes-

Hold on, do mine ears deceive? There is a wrapping at my chamber door. Please excuse my dear Aunt Sally while I answer my door.

… Sorry about the wait, that was actually Mr. Wamser. After my tumultuous journey, he found me and we got that interview. I asked Mr. Wamser what he has been doing with his free time, he told me he was “finding his truth,” “living his truth,” “discovering his truth,” “learning his truth” and “living his truth.” When prompted to expand on these points he merely took out his wallet and showed me a picture of himself, informing me that it was his “g-friend” who took the picture, Jemma Andle, and he owes all his truth to her. He told me that she was a hot shot lawyer who decided to slum it with a country bumpkin like him, and I don’t know, I guess something just stuck. It’s not often that love fits a physical form, but tonight, I watched love slither from Mr. Wamser’s eyeballs and wrap itself around the photo Jemma had taken. It was as beautiful as it was sickening.

He then proceed to tell me about his band, which was unprompted. Apparently, him and “his boy-oy-oy-os” are a “new wayve eco post pop rock duo with a hunk of folk and 6 members.” They are called The Walking Dogg and I have had no luck finding their music available anywhere. Despite this, Mr. Wamser seems optimistic, citing examples like Big Wayne and The Beachtie Boys, saying that they may not be well known but their influence can be seen in The Beastie Boys, Little Wayne and The Beach Boys respectively.

It was at this point where he fell into a trance, entranced by the idea of The Walking Doggs being the next “Bruce Sprongstead.” I took this as an opportunity to get what I came for, a real story. I sprang the question on him in his weakened state, the question on everyone’s minds. Why did Will Wamser leave the Weekly? I’m afraid, dear readers, that I bit off more than I could chew as he awoke from his trance by smacking me in my face and about my head for several minutes. When he calmed down I informed him of the response the paper had gotten about his departure, but he refused to listen. He went to slam the door on me when he hesitated. In this hesitation, he began to cough into his hand and when the fit was over there was blood left on his palm. Mr. Wamser then got very quiet, put his hand on my shoulder and said, “sometimes life doesn’t let you do the things you love and the hardest thing is accepting it.”

With that, Mr. Wamser left my home. I was shook by this moment, unsure of how to take it. I was then shook more so when I realized that he got his mouth blood all over my nice shoulder. And then shook even more so when an earthquake hit. I fear for his health, but am eternally grateful for the chance to meet a man of such measure. Hit me up on Facebook for the full story.

Photo by Karly McCloskey


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