Pictured is Will Wamser in disgrace. Photo by Jarrett Azar

That’s right y’all Bill Bamser is back baby, and no that was not a reference to Austin Powers. I normally would reference Austin Powers, but I’m not that guy anymore. That guy is gone, he has retired and seems to be coming down with something devilish. But that’s exactly the point of this article, to show that I am not Will Wamser. For those of you who have not been keeping up with this epic, Will Wamser was the Op Ed section editor for the paper who retired and I, Bill Bamser, a completely different person, has filled his void. But I’ve been hearing rumors that I, Bill Bamser, am actually Will Wamser, which is cray cray to the max. Mr. Wamser may as well be dead because there is only Bill.

After an article like this, where I truly spread my wings as Bill Bamser, I wouldn’t be surprised if Will Wamser never returns.

True fans will note that in the past I have only written about Will Wamser, first giving my opinion of his leaving and the second being an interview with the man himself. So, I am here to distance myself from Mr. Wamser, so why are we even talking about it? I’m not Will anymore. Or, no. I never was Will, right?

I’m sorry the canon has become confusing to me. I’m not Will, never was. Never was. So now, as Bill, I can say the things I never could as Will. Wait, s—, no! I could never say anything as Will because I’ve always been Bill. Or am I Kile? No, stick to Bill. How do I put this without confusing myself? There are some things that Will couldn’t say, that I, as Bill, can say. I shouldn’t say as Bill, just Bill. For now, I am Bill and forever I guess. I don’t know how Bruce does this double life thing. That’s Bruce Wayne, I call him Bruce because he’s a personal friend. So here we go, I don’t think dads should be allowed to vote.

There, I said it.

Dads have no right to vote, check the constitution. Not that constitution, I’m talkin’ ‘bout the constitution of ME! ME.S.A! ME.S.A! ME.S.A! Think about it like this, every dad is a bum. They just make empty promises and leave you sitting in the dougout (that was my buddy Doug’s backyard) just drenched and alone with Doug. A dad is nothing but a bozo, ashing his or her cigar in the baptismal font. Dad may giveth, but Bill taketh away.

That felt good, finally getting something off my chest that Will could never say. Bill doesn’t have any obligations or responsibilities. And, sure, I may not be getting respect, but Bill sure as heck doesn’t deserve respect. I’m the new Bad Boy of the Muhlenberg Weekly, I mean did you see when I almost cursed earlier in the article? That’s hardcore, they had to censor me!! Fricking rad bro.

What’s something else I’ve always wanted to write about but couldn’t because of all my obligations? Here’s one, I am a nationalist, through and through. That felt good to say. But allow me to explain, a nationalist is someone who wants political independence for a country. That’s not me, I’m just xenophobic and dumb. I hate every country that doesn’t have me in it. And I know what you are all thinking, this guy is a threat. Well, you’re not wrong. But I have fair reasoning. No other country in the world has given the Menited States of America the respect we deserve, year in and year out we show up to play ball with the best of them and the other countries leave us out to dry. And how long have we been letting them get away with this? Since 1903, how long is that? My calculator broke the other day so someone has to do the math and get back to me. But it sounds like a long time for no other country to come up to bat.

Every year we send our best and brightest to compete in a world competition and we are always alone, the embarrassment of it all. I mean it’s the world series for crisps sake! We always extend the invite for all the countries to come get a nice hot dog at Fenway and each year we are rebuked. And that is why I am xenophobic. And while it might not be why I am dumb, I feel it acts as a good example.

I think I could get used to being Bill Bamser, except I already am used to it because I’m not Will Wamser.

I think I could get used to being Bill Bamser, except I already am used to it because I’m not Will Wamser. There have been a few times where I thought I was gonna let the secret go, but I save it every time. I’m good at this. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I am really good at this. Do I hear an oscar calling? Or is it wedding bells? What is the famous phrase? Please tell me. But after an article like this, where I truly spread my wings as Bill Bamser, I wouldn’t be surprised if Will Wamser never returns. You better like this Bad Boy of Muhlenberg, ‘cause Bill’s here to stay. If you’ve got a problem with that, take it up with me on Facebook.


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