Tiny horoscopes for a tiny campus

Weekly advice and predictions

Communicated to The Weekly staff by Victor’s Lament

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Beware of people playing Assassin, you make a great human shield. 

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’re not living life to the fullest if you aren’t picking the mystery flavor Dum-Dums.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You feel like the main character this week. You’re not. You’re actually the boom mic that’s accidentally visible for a second in season 1, episode 16 of “Gilmore Girls.”

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Don’t take things personally this week—have other people take them for you. You’re the mastermind behind a petty thievery ring now. For legal reasons this is a joke.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

This week you feel like a Roomba that’s stuck on the edge of a fluffy carpet. Maybe if you make a concerning enough noise someone will come un-stick you.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You’re going to listen to one song on repeat all week. Make it a good one!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Still thinking about that handsome stranger you met? Stop. It was just the lighting. 

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Did you process it, or did you just think about it really hard for two hours and then pretend it never happened? 

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Make your enemy a friendship bracelet and misspell their name in beads.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

When was the last time you vacuumed your room? The answer is too long ago. Don’t be gross.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

If the vibes feel a little off this week, go get a piercing about it.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Spend some time in the ML Underground while you still can.

Lily Magoon '24 is an English major who, in addition to working on the Weekly, serves as co-editor-in-chief of the Muhlenberg Academic Review through the Sigma Tau Delta English Honor Society. She has the passionate belief that storytelling, in all its forms, is our most valuable asset--as a tool for sharing knowledge, bringing people together, creating change, and exploring what’s possible.


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