Tiny horoscopes for a tiny campus
Weekly advice and predictions
Communicated to The Weekly staff by Victor’s Lament
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You’re way beyond touching grass right now, you gotta go full-on chia pet.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You feel like a goldfish this week. Remember, there are goldfish in tiny round bowls at the fair, but there are also goldfish on Tiktok that live in the Buckingham Palace of fish tanks owned by weird dual-income twenty-somethings. Surround yourself with the kind of people who would make good goldfish owners.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
This week you are betrayed by someone you trust. They will play Wham!’s 1984 hit Christmas song “Last Christmas,” making you lose Whamageddon 2023. This will permanently alter your relationship.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Make life more interesting by integrating old-timey pirate sayings into your vocabulary. Yo-ho-ho, et cetera.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Don’t cry because the semester is over, smile because Henry Kissinger died.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You keep slamming your pinkie toe into things this week. Your solution is to buy a tiny hard hat. This does not work, but it makes you smile, so close enough.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
If a relationship doesn’t make your life better than it was when you were single, dump their ass. If you’re not sure, it’s probably worse—see previous sentence.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This week you consider dropping everything and running away to be a cheesemaker. As fun as this sounds, remember that there’s a lot of waiting around in cheesemaking and you’d probably get really bored. At least this trainwreck is interesting!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your confidence is admirable, but no matter how docile they look DO NOT approach a goose this week. The goose mafia may or may not have put a bounty on your head. Stay alert, and you didn’t hear it from me.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Maybe you should try making a human pyramid about it? It certainly shouldn’t make things worse, or if it does at least it’ll be worse in a new way!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Hilary Duff sang it best: “This is what dreams are made of.” In other words, it’s all bullshit your brain made up for confusing subconscious reasons. The song is catchy though!
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Every time you pick up a piece of fruit this week it’s either under or overripe. Be strong, it can’t last forever…right?
