Tiny horoscopes for a tiny campus
Weekly advice and predictions
Communicated to The Weekly staff by Victor’s Lament
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Somehow you manage to spill something on yourself every day this week. Maybe stick to water and foods that don’t stain.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re so bored you seriously look into how much it would cost to rent a hot air balloon. Fortunately, you’ll come to your senses and realize that just buying one is a much better investment.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Looking to push yourself this week? Get a pudding cup from GQ and eat it looking at the “Glut and Guzzle” display in the CA. Good luck.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This week someone tells you to be more flexible. You take this literally, and start following a 30-day yoga challenge on YouTube.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
This week you’re disappointed with the lack of magic in the world. Order a cloak and a deer skull online and be the ominous forest spirit you wish to see in the world.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You’re extra sensitive this week. Don’t be surprised if you get upset over something trivial; like the expression “you hit the nail on the head.” Why would someone do that? The nail wasn’t doing anything to anyone!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’re feeling unoriginal right now. Try recycling some material; have you made a “that’s what she said” joke recently?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
At some point this week you will be overcome with the passionate need to build something with Lincoln Logs. Follow that impulse.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Having trouble practicing gratitude? Maybe think back to The Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020 and appreciate not having to single-square it.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This might just be the week to tackle that drawer of random crap you keep throwing things in. Then again, if the drawer can still close there’s really no rush is there?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This week you buy a bunch of fruit to make an elaborate DIY edible arrangement. Unfortunately, by the time you get home you’re over the idea and are left with a bunch of fruit and no intention to do anything with it.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
I’m not condoning violence, but I am saying that sometimes you need to stomp on someone’s toes really hard to get your point across. For legal reasons, this is a joke.