Tiny horoscopes for a tiny campus
Weekly advice and predictions
Communicated to The Weekly staff by Victor’s Lament
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Stop worrying about your browser history. Your calculator history is WAY more embarrassing. 45+8? Really?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You feel like that raccoon from that video that tried to wash cotton candy; every time you’re close to a breakthrough, it disappears right in front of your eyes. Stay optimistic, in the end the raccoon did get to eat some cotton candy.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You offend your partner by talking about your celebrity crushes. You apologize, and suggest they take it as constructive criticism. This does not go over well.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’re sad about someone this week. Don’t worry, you totally dodged a bullet; they’re a flat-earther and they leave their grocery carts in the middle of the parking lot instead of putting them back.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
It’s impressive how much time you spend thinking about a completely irrational anxiety. It’s not good, but it’s impressive.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This week you’ll flirt with the idea of finally doing the thing you keep saying you’ll do, but getting that close exhausts you and you take a nap instead.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Remember, the difference between a lawsuit and steak tartare is some spices and a good refrigerator. This is both a metaphor and a practical reminder.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You are both the rusty nail and the tetanus shot. Revel in your versatility.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
This week you are always going to feel like you have a tiny rock in your shoe, but when you take it off to try and get it out there won’t be anything there. Be strong.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’re in desperate need of some self care, google “Punnett Square worksheets” and take a load off!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
The only people that say “age is just a number” are people who have been, are, or will be involved in a crime.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You might be a rat, but you’re a cute, non-plague carrying rat! Like a pet rat, or Remy from “Ratatouille.” A rat with a successful career ahead of them!