One of the greatest questions that has permeated throughout our pop culture is the question of man’s hubris. The royal we are constantly asking if the royal we can, never stopping to ask if the royal we should. This idea of man going too far, breaking the laws of God in the pursuit of knowledge always resulting in the downfall of man, has been at the center of some of the greatest pop culture touchstones. Look to Steven Spielberg’s “Jurassic Park,” H.G. Wells’ “Island of Doctor Moreau,” or even a third example. But we are living in an interesting time where the questions these films and books bring up are questions scientists seem to have forgotten. You may be sitting there thinking, “I don’t see how this is an issue, even if AI is achieved it will happen long after I’m dead, no threat to me.” Well, you are wrong there my friend, dead wrong. These challenges to God’s design are happening faster than you think and closer than you’d hope. One of the most disgusting examples of technology going too far can be found in our own dining hall, as the new soda machine mocks all that is holy.

For those of you not within the know, the Muhlenberg Woods Dining Hall (AKA “D-Hall”) just replaced one of their soda dispensing machines with a flashy new version of the same thing. Now, you all know me, I don’t like to make a huff over nothing, but this is unforgivable and I plan on huffing until something is done. That soda machine was an institution at this school, does tradition mean nothing to the power-hungry scientists that cooked up this monstrosity? I’ve grown to know the old soda machine over my three years here. I understood the old girl, I could tell when the ice didn’t work and you had to just get ice from a big bin that seemed gross. And sure it wasn’t the best but that doesn’t mean we just had to throw it out to the curb for the rats to live in it. Muhlenberg is throwing away its history by getting rid of that old soda machine.

I know what you are thinking, “Who cares Will? It’s just a soda machine!” Well you are an idiot, it is so much more than that. This new machine may look slick and always have ice and give you the right beverage every time, but it is without heart. You can already see its immediate negative effects. I do not believe in fate, but it is no coincidence that the same week this new machine is introduced the dishwasher breaks down for two days, forcing us to eat off of paper plates like swine. What is this new soda machine’s nefarious plan? It is breaking down the machines around it in order to bring in more of his fancy new friends. The machines that we the students built with our own blood, sweat and tears… how are we so quick to forget? What will these silver beasts do when we are surrounded by them? Well I shall not go gentle into that good night, I will fight the machine and I plan on winning for that is GOD’s plan. That’s right, I’m religious! If you’d like to show the heathens what man and God can truly do, then join me on this Sunday to throw this abomination into the depths of hell from whence it came, before it throws us into servitude. See you guys there!


  1. This has to be a joke, right? “Ha Ha got me good!” how could this man possibly think a soda machine has a nefarious plan.


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