Tiny horoscopes for a tiny campus

Weekly advice and predictions

Communicated to The Weekly staff by Victor’s Lament

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Not you intellectualizing your emotions instead of feeling them!

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Careful, your crazy is showing. Cover it up with a thinly veiled metaphor—that always works!

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Ignoring that text won’t make it go away… but changing your name and moving to Canada sure will!

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You still feel bad about not actually reading that book for seventh grade English. It’s time to let it go, and feel bad about the reading you didn’t do for class today instead.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You dramatically announce to your friends that you caught feelings, but it turns out you were the last one to know.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You’re going to push on a ‘pull’ door. It’ll be ok, walk it off and cry in the shower later.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Remember, the only thing standing between you and that elevated surface is yourself.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Less thinking, more property destruction. For legal reasons this is a joke

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You’re going to have to catch a spider and move it outside. Just telling you now so you can emotionally prepare yourself.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You know what it never was? That deep.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Embrace your true self. Don’t let the long moments overtake the little moments you love so much.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You know what they say: that’s what you get for waking up in Benfer!


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