Tiny horoscopes for a tiny campus
Weekly advice and predictions
Communicated to The Weekly staff by Victor’s Lament
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
They say your ears burn if someone’s talking about you. If other things burn you might have a UTI. This has been a public service announcement.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Consider adopting an emotional support pet rock; they require a lot of work, but your mental health will thank you!
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
This week, one of your shoelaces keeps becoming untied. This is karmic retribution for stealing a pencil out of someone’s desk in elementary school. Better late than never.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Stave off seasonal depression by blasting ‘80s hair-bands 24/7. If you don’t have partial hearing loss by spring you’ve done something wrong.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your Celsius addiction is becoming a problem. You’re not going to do anything about it, but it needed to be said.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
New bullet journal idea for you: at the end of every day, go back and write down a list of all the songs that would’ve been performed if your life were an episode of Glee.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Be your own Manic Pixie Dream Girl—put hot sauce on your popcorn and start getting really into French films.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
The world is your oyster: slimy, unappetizing, but occasionally containing something cool and shiny.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Giving up is ok if you really commit to it. Don’t give up on giving up though, that’s just sad.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It’s time to change your passwords—frankly it’s shocking nobody has hacked you yet.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This week, you feel the urge to cook something special; try sprinkling extra shredded cheese on top of your microwave Kraft mac and cheese.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
This week, you wake up, put on a cute little outfit, then immediately change your mind and put on joggers and a sweatshirt. At least you tried!