Tiny horoscopes for a tiny campus

Weekly advice and predictions

Communicated to The Weekly staff by Victor’s Lament

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

They say your ears burn if someone’s talking about you. If other things burn you might have a UTI. This has been a public service announcement.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Consider adopting an emotional support pet rock; they require a lot of work, but your mental health will thank you!

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

This week, one of your shoelaces keeps becoming untied. This is karmic retribution for stealing a pencil out of someone’s desk in elementary school. Better late than never.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Stave off seasonal depression by blasting ‘80s hair-bands 24/7. If you don’t have partial hearing loss by spring you’ve done something wrong.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Your Celsius addiction is becoming a problem. You’re not going to do anything about it, but it needed to be said.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

New bullet journal idea for you: at the end of every day, go back and write down a list of all the songs that would’ve been performed if your life were an episode of Glee.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Be your own Manic Pixie Dream Girl—put hot sauce on your popcorn and start getting really into French films.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

The world is your oyster: slimy, unappetizing, but occasionally containing something cool and shiny.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Giving up is ok if you really commit to it. Don’t give up on giving up though, that’s just sad.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

It’s time to change your passwords—frankly it’s shocking nobody has hacked you yet.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

This week, you feel the urge to cook something special; try sprinkling extra shredded cheese on top of your microwave Kraft mac and cheese.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

This week, you wake up, put on a cute little outfit, then immediately change your mind and put on joggers and a sweatshirt. At least you tried!

Lily Magoon '24 is an English major who, in addition to working on the Weekly, serves as co-editor-in-chief of the Muhlenberg Academic Review through the Sigma Tau Delta English Honor Society. She has the passionate belief that storytelling, in all its forms, is our most valuable asset--as a tool for sharing knowledge, bringing people together, creating change, and exploring what’s possible.


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