Tiny horoscopes for a tiny campus

Weekly advice and predictions

Communicated to The Weekly staff by Victor’s Lament

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Walking directly under Victor’s Lament gets you five years of bad luck. Reverse it by wearing all red and doing yoga next to him to prove your loyalty.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’re not so much a golden retriever as an orange cat: generally loveable, but when it’s your turn with the braincell who knows what will happen. 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

If you get up on the wrong side of the bed, just get back in bed and get out the other side! Sometimes the solution is simpler than it seems.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

The universe is giving you a break this week. What a Grand-Little Surprise!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

If you’re going for the “Christian Girl Autumn” aesthetic, try not to restrict yourself. Remember, the crusades were also technically a Christian Girl Autumn activity!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

The Sunday scaries are just a state of mind. That’s probably why you keep getting them on Wednesdays.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Don’t bother with the tired old flower-petal-picking “they love me, they love me not” routine—try biting them and see if you can get away with it. For legal reasons this is a joke.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

This week you feel out of place, like you’re wearing a jacket and tie at an Applebee’s. Get over it! Do some exposure by wearing a tux and going to grab some of those dollar margs (or some chicken tenders if you’re underage). 

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Did you maybe listen to Katy Perry’s “Firework” a little too much as a child? That might explain some things.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

If you don’t already own the “Sorry for having a fat ass and correct opinions” sweatshirt you should probably buy it. Not necessarily because it’s true, but because it definitely fits your specific brand of cockiness. It also might be true.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Every day is taco Tuesday if you put your food in a taco shell! Push the limit of what defines a white person taco. 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

This week you feel like a lost sock in the dryer of life; remember, just because we don’t know where the socks go doesn’t mean it’s somewhere bad. Embrace the adventure.


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