Tiny horoscopes for a tiny campus
Weekly advice and predictions
Communicated to The Weekly staff by Victor’s Lament
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You, like many of us, don’t think about John Travolta nearly enough. Try to fix that.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Sometimes innovation is overrated. Like did we really need deep fried oreos? “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies,” however, was completely necessary.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Sometimes it’s helpful to visualize your goals; draw a little stick figure of yourself shaking hands with another little stick figure of Kathy Harring at graduation.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You may find that what’s missing from your life is the cover of “Jump” from season 1, episode 12 of “Glee.” Maybe also an SSRI.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Who needs to mail someone a glitter bomb when you could just be the human equivalent of one? They’ll find pieces of you stuck in their psyche for the rest of their life.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Spice up your love life with some puns. You’ll be cuffed in no thyme.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
This week your hair will always be a little off no matter what you do. I’m sorry to be the one to break this news to you.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This week you feel responsible for everything but the kitchen sink. Your roommates will forget to do their dishes and you’ll become responsible for that too.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
There’s no “I” in team, but there is in expectoration. Take some Claritin, the fall allergies are setting in.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Do you want to be the coaster, or the glass on top of it? Think about it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Blood is thicker than water, but bbq sauce is thicker than blood. Isn’t viscosity fascinating?
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Listen, you’re literally just a teenage girl. What more could the world ask of you? This applies regardless of gender identity—being a teenage girl is a state of mind.