Tiny horoscopes for a tiny campus

Weekly advice and predictions

Communicated to The Weekly staff by Victor’s Lament

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Try listening to telenovela background music to underscore your day. It’ll match the level of drama you’ve got going on in your internal monologue.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Consider investing in some sunglasses to wear in public if you want everyone around you to stop knowing exactly what you’re thinking at all times.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Changing your mind just because all your friends share a different opinion isn’t always a good idea—but sometimes it is.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Are you sure about that? Like if you really think about it?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

It’s hard to be misunderstood, but not as hard as when people understand you perfectly.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Honestly, punching a wall might be an improvement on your current coping mechanisms. Just don’t do it in Moyer—Moyer hits back.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You feel the urge to throw a full-blown temper tantrum at every minor inconvenience. Try and keep it to one or two a day. 

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

This week you’re wondering if everyone is stupid or you’re just grumpy. People are stupid—this time.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Stop gatekeeping your birthday. It just motivates people to internet stalk you until they find it out themselves.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You’ve gone so far into irony that you reached sincerity again; then kept going, did a little loop-de-loop, and are back into irony. Nobody else can follow those acrobatics, but as long as you know where you are keep doing your thing.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Just keep being your sag-tacular self. 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You don’t have to accept the truth, sometimes begrudgingly acknowledging its existence is good enough.


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