Tiny horoscopes for a tiny campus

Weekly advice and predictions

Communicated to The Weekly staff by Victor’s Lament

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Try listening to telenovela background music to underscore your day. It’ll match the level of drama you’ve got going on in your internal monologue.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Consider investing in some sunglasses to wear in public if you want everyone around you to stop knowing exactly what you’re thinking at all times.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Changing your mind just because all your friends share a different opinion isn’t always a good idea—but sometimes it is.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Are you sure about that? Like if you really think about it?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

It’s hard to be misunderstood, but not as hard as when people understand you perfectly.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Honestly, punching a wall might be an improvement on your current coping mechanisms. Just don’t do it in Moyer—Moyer hits back.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You feel the urge to throw a full-blown temper tantrum at every minor inconvenience. Try and keep it to one or two a day. 

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

This week you’re wondering if everyone is stupid or you’re just grumpy. People are stupid—this time.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Stop gatekeeping your birthday. It just motivates people to internet stalk you until they find it out themselves.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You’ve gone so far into irony that you reached sincerity again; then kept going, did a little loop-de-loop, and are back into irony. Nobody else can follow those acrobatics, but as long as you know where you are keep doing your thing.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Just keep being your sag-tacular self. 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You don’t have to accept the truth, sometimes begrudgingly acknowledging its existence is good enough.

Lily Magoon '24 is an English major who, in addition to working on the Weekly, serves as co-editor-in-chief of the Muhlenberg Academic Review through the Sigma Tau Delta English Honor Society. She has the passionate belief that storytelling, in all its forms, is our most valuable asset--as a tool for sharing knowledge, bringing people together, creating change, and exploring what’s possible.


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