Tiny horoscopes for a tiny campus

Weekly advice and predictions

Communicated to The Weekly staff by Victor’s Lament

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Heal your inner horse girl by galloping through a field, maybe even under Victor’s Lament.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Don’t bother going outside this week, it’s not worth it. Vampire era starts now. 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Bad people are occasionally going to be taller than you, and you just have to live with that.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Sometimes you need to be lightly misted like the lettuce in Wegmans, and that’s ok. 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Be the red sock in the washing machine of life.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Don’t get the soup, it’s not gonna be what you want it to be.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

I know everyone needs to drink more water, but you really need to drink more water.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Wanna shake it up a little? Try a new brand of peanut butter. It’ll change your entire outlook. 

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Ignorance is bliss—except when it’s absolutely catastrophic. Maybe try for ignorant-ish?

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Life is short, stick stickers on everything.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

I know you were hoping to be the liability this week, but one of your friends is already way ahead of you. You’ll get your turn eventually.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

A lie of omission may still be a lie, but at least it can’t get you charged with perjury!

Lily Magoon '24 is an English major who, in addition to working on the Weekly, serves as co-editor-in-chief of the Muhlenberg Academic Review through the Sigma Tau Delta English Honor Society. She has the passionate belief that storytelling, in all its forms, is our most valuable asset--as a tool for sharing knowledge, bringing people together, creating change, and exploring what’s possible.


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