Tiny horoscopes for a tiny campus

Weekly advice and predictions

Communicated to The Weekly staff by Victor’s Lament.

Students of Muhlenberg College, we are back. 

Aquarius: DO NOT EAT THAT. 

Pisces: Happy birthday! Hope you’re not holding out hope for your ex to “hbd” text their way back into your life!

Aries: March will be your time. Time to possibly laugh, to possibly cry, but definitely time to listen to “Domino” by Jessie J.

Taurus: Your parents will adopt a little mouse boy… Stuart Little who?

Gemini: Don’t listen to them, your mom jokes ARE still funny. 

Cancer: I know that weighted dinosaur from target is giving you baby fever. PUT THAT THING DOWN. 

Leo: You will have to have some tough conversations this week, and that’s okay. Fill the awkward silence with Lil John ad-libs. You’ll be sure to get through to them. 

Virgo: It’s time to talk. I know you weren’t allowed to watch Spongebob as a kid… KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. 

Libra: Stop reapplying your EOS egg chapstick. Living in the past will not inform your future. 

Scorpio: You will get to drink around the world at EPCOT soon, TRUST.

Sagittarius: EAT THAT.

Capricorn: Don’t check Yik Yak, babe. You will walk away in tears. The herd will be ruthless.


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