Tiny horoscopes for a tiny campus
Weekly advice and predictions
Communicated to The Weekly staff by Victor’s Lament.
Students of Muhlenberg College, we are back.
Aquarius: DO NOT EAT THAT.
Pisces: Happy birthday! Hope you’re not holding out hope for your ex to “hbd” text their way back into your life!
Aries: March will be your time. Time to possibly laugh, to possibly cry, but definitely time to listen to “Domino” by Jessie J.
Taurus: Your parents will adopt a little mouse boy… Stuart Little who?
Gemini: Don’t listen to them, your mom jokes ARE still funny.
Cancer: I know that weighted dinosaur from target is giving you baby fever. PUT THAT THING DOWN.
Leo: You will have to have some tough conversations this week, and that’s okay. Fill the awkward silence with Lil John ad-libs. You’ll be sure to get through to them.
Virgo: It’s time to talk. I know you weren’t allowed to watch Spongebob as a kid… KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.
Libra: Stop reapplying your EOS egg chapstick. Living in the past will not inform your future.
Scorpio: You will get to drink around the world at EPCOT soon, TRUST.
Sagittarius: EAT THAT.
Capricorn: Don’t check Yik Yak, babe. You will walk away in tears. The herd will be ruthless.
The Muhlenberg Weekly's Editorial Board is comprised of the Editor-in-Chief, Managing Editor(s) and Section Editors, one of whom writes the editorial. Material appearing without a byline represents the majority opinion of the Editorial Board.
