Tiny horoscopes for a tiny campus
Weekly advice and predictions
Communicated to The Weekly staff by Victor’s Lament
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You will have a life-changing opportunity on Tuesday Oct. 3. Too bad this paper comes out on Thursday and you’ve already missed it.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Sometimes all we can do is forgive and forget. And sometimes we can hide a raw fish in their vents. For legal reasons this is a joke. Unrelated: A whole Black Sea Bass is $11.99/lb at Wegmans.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Listen,I know you’re looking for a fight, but STAY AWAY from the geese. Don’t start something you can’t finish.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Technically you’ve existed as long as your mom has been alive: that’s why you feel like you’ve been alive forever.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your life might be a horror movie right now, but you can pick the soundtrack. Imagine “IT” with Britney Spears playing—hysterical.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Eventually you’ve got to decide: in the boxed mac and cheese of life, are you gonna be the pasta or the cheese packet?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Breathe. Buy a coloring book and breathe.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Anger is a secondary emotion, sadness is the primary one behind it, and cheese is the tertiary one that comes after. Have a cheese stick and calm down.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Be careful when fishing for compliments, you might catch a dead body instead. This is not a metaphor.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your mental illness may be present in the club, but so is your ass. Keep up the good work.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Have you lost your marbles, or have your marbles lost you?
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
There’s a cricket in your room that you can’t find. It might be a real cricket, but it also might be a “Tell-Tale Heart” situation.
Lily Magoon '24 is an English major who, in addition to working on the Weekly, serves as co-editor-in-chief of the Muhlenberg Academic Review through the Sigma Tau Delta English Honor Society. She has the passionate belief that storytelling, in all its forms, is our most valuable asset--as a tool for sharing knowledge, bringing people together, creating change, and exploring what’s possible.
