Tiny horoscopes for a tiny campus

Weekly advice and predictions

Communicated to The Weekly staff by Victor’s Lament

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You will have a life-changing opportunity on Tuesday Oct. 3. Too bad this paper comes out on Thursday and you’ve already missed it.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Sometimes all we can do is forgive and forget. And sometimes we can hide a raw fish in their vents. For legal reasons this is a joke. Unrelated: A whole Black Sea Bass is $11.99/lb at Wegmans.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Listen,I know you’re looking for a fight, but STAY AWAY from the geese. Don’t start something you can’t finish.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Technically you’ve existed as long as your mom has been alive: that’s why you feel like you’ve been alive forever. 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Your life might be a horror movie right now, but you can pick the soundtrack. Imagine “IT” with Britney Spears playing—hysterical.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Eventually you’ve got to decide: in the boxed mac and cheese of life, are you gonna be the pasta or the cheese packet?

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Breathe. Buy a coloring book and breathe. 

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Anger is a secondary emotion, sadness is the primary one behind it, and cheese is the tertiary one that comes after. Have a cheese stick and calm down.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Be careful when fishing for compliments, you might catch a dead body instead. This is not a metaphor.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Your mental illness may be present in the club, but so is your ass. Keep up the good work.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Have you lost your marbles, or have your marbles lost you?

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

There’s a cricket in your room that you can’t find. It might be a real cricket, but it also might be a “Tell-Tale Heart” situation. 


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