Before we start here, I’m gonna be perfectly honest, so to all the moms and dads reading this you might want to close your little eyes for this next part. I am no stranger to drinking. I understand how this might change the way you see me; you think I’m much braver than you used to for admitting such a thing. But it is the truth. I drink. I’ve got another truth bomb: I’m not gonna apologize for drinking either.
Being someone who drinks, I understand the risks and rewards that go along with it, which is why it is so baffling to me the ways the drinking laws in this country help to enable dangerous drinking habits. We all know someone who has drank too much and it is time we ask the serious question of whether or not there is something we can do.
I know what you all must be thinking, “He’s gonna hit us with the old Shyamalan twist and reveal he was just talking about water this whole time” but that’s not true and I’d thank you not to put words in my mouth. I am not talking about drinking water or juice or any other drink that never hurt anybody before. I’m talking about the hard stuff, the poison we all partake of, the silly stuff that gets us through the day.
I’m talking about milk, baby.
The milk epidemic has gotten out of hand at this point, and Congress refuses to do anything about it. It is absurd that, by law, once you turn five you are required to drink 3 gallons of milk a day every day for the rest of your life. And I don’t want to hear anybody coming to me saying that we can’t change the law because it’s in the constitution, because the constitution does not reflect the times we live in. Milk was different back in the 1776s, it didn’t have anywhere near as many lactose molecules as it does today. A gallon of milk today would be absolutely unrecognizable to Kevin James Madison, the man who submitted the “Three Gallon Rule” at the first Congressional Congress. I’d even venture to say that modern day milk would most likely scare him.
Despite years of innovation making milk creamier and easier to drink with even more fatty acids, there have been little to no changes in the laws on milk. It seems like almost every day we hear about someone going into their high school and challenging everyone to the gallon challenge, leaving more and more innocent students in the hospital with upset stomachs — not to mention the students who tragically lost their lunch throwing up all the milk. Yet, for some reason, Congress sits on their hands doing nothing. It’s because politicians like Marco “Milk” Rubio and Sarah “Milk” Palin are swimming in the cream-filled pockets of the Milk Rights Association and they do not reflect us. Things may seem hopeless but we, as the voices of a generation, have to power to stand up and make a change. Our votes and our voices matter when they are unified so if you feel that you can’t make a difference, you are wrong. The less people to stand the less impact it has, so please contact your representatives about responsible milk laws and if they do not reflect your beliefs on the place milk has in our country — and in our stomachs — then you must vote them out. This milk should be spilled, and I’m not gonna cry about it. If you want to compliment me on how good that last sentence is, I’m on Facebook.