Micro Astrology


Tiny horoscopes for a tiny campus

Weekly advice and predictions

Communicated to The Weekly staff by Victor’s Lament in collaboration with Caden Dowgin.

Students of Muhlenberg College, we are back. 

Aries: The stars see a lot of Dr. Pepper in your future. You lucky duck.

Taurus: You tend to shut yourself off from others before you can make meaningful connections. Keep it up! Socializing is hard work.

Gemini: You should watch Robin Williams’ 1998 classic “Patch Adams” about 47 times within the next month. The stars say you will discover the meaning of life.

Cancer: You planned something for Tuesday. Don’t do it. Whatever it is, it’ll end with you being forced to listen to “Wonderwall” while riding a unicycle.

Leo: Uh oh! There are many badgers coming your way! Better get out of here and make it to your nearest badger-free location.

Virgo: Be careful walking around campus in the near future. Your evil twin from the dark dimension has been eating bananas and leaving the peels around for you to slip on.

Libra: You will find yourself walking to class in a couple of days, when a man will stop you on the street and ask you for a dollar. Give it to him, for that man will turn out to be Jimmy Carter!

Scorpio: The stars say that you should stop building houses out of straw and sticks. It’s freaking everyone out. Just use bricks like a normal person.

Sagittarius: You will be getting a little creature soon! A small lizard or monkey will find you soon and latch onto you as your buddy! Make him do all your bidding.

Capricorn: FOLD. YOUR. LAUNDRY. It’s been sitting in the corner of your room for almost two weeks. This is getting ridiculous. Fold it!

Aquarius: You slayed and girlboss-ed a little too hard this week. Allocate some time to power nap this week as you regain your true power.

Pisces: It’s your time to shine! Make yourself known! Start a podcast!

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