Penned by William Shakespeare’s more talented descendent: I’ve got the most Olympic gold stars

Let me begin by saying that Pyeongchang is beautiful this time of year, the snow dances on every single ag in the world as they all compete to see which country is the best at some sports. I also must say that it is truly an honor to be given the opportunity to tear up the slopes with my snowboard on behalf of the United States of America. As you probably already know, I have already won a bunch of gold stars for my sweet ips on my board. Yes, even more than my best friend and closest confidant, the Flying Tomato aka Shaun White. Something everybody has been asking us is if this has affected our friendship in any way, of course it has. It’s made us even better friends.

The thing you have to know about the Egg, aka Shaun White, is that his happiness is entirely derived from other people’s success and he finds no joy in himself. But this isn’t about my best friend Future Boy, aka Shaun White, this is about my experience so far competing at the Olympics. I wake up at 4:23 a.m. every single day, the reason so many of us Olympic athletes wake up so early is because the three-star motel we are forced to live in during the games is about 50 miles away from the coliseum, or 50 kilometers for any brits reading this. This means I don’t arrive at the coliseum until 11 o’clock. I then spend about an hour trying to find a parking spot and usually end up saying “You Only Live Once” and park on the top of that ski mountain.

Once I get inside, I don’t do a single thing or talk to a single person until I’ve had my morning coffee. If anyone tries to talk to me, I just point at my shirt that I wear every day which says “If my coffee mug is empty, then your mouth should be too” and then I explain where all the stains on the shirt came from in painstaking detail regardless of whether or not they want to know.

By 12:48 p.m. my coffee has been drunk, by me of course, and I am ready for the great games. The only problem being that snowboarding doesn’t get to go until 8:17 p.m., meaning I have a lot of time to kill. I’ve been spending that time each day doing a number of things. One day me and my best friend in the whole wide world The Animal, aka Shaun White, spent those hours hiding under the ramp for skiing. While under there we used our breath to pretend we were smoking and we freaked out all the lame-o prudes. But then the next day Shaun White, my friend whom I love, brought actual cigarettes and I had to get my mom to come pick me up.

When the clock strikes 8:17 p.m., I slide down that big mountain while doing all sorts of spins and flips and karate moves that look so dope. Once I get to the bottom of the mountain some old guy throws me another gold star for snowboarding better than the other countries again, but I’m just interested in getting back inside to more of my sweet coffee. I then return to my three-star motel and I’m in bed by 9:00 to ensure I get a nice rest in before I start the process all over again the next day. Over all, the day to day life of a definitely real Olympic athlete is more about heart than anything else. If you want to know more or get any hot gossip on Shaun White, I’m still a little upset with him about the cigarette thing, then hit me up on Facebook.

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