Disclaimer: This may or may not be the opinion of The Weekly, and may or may not be the opinion of the author. I didn’t bother to ask.

I have been advised by many not to publish an article such as this one, but I will no longer be silenced. After my best friend Will Wamser wrote that daring and unique article about

“a capella”(?) last week, I am truly afraid for the reaction to this. Let me explain some background about myself first and my unique relationship with water. I’ve been a heavy water drinker since I was around 12 years old. Tragic, but some may even call me a wataholic. However, for years I tried to convince myself of a simple facade among the die hard water drinker community. That water from different places and different brands tastes different. I can’t live this way anymore. I’m living a lie and I am ashamed of it. All water tastes the same.

It’s boring. I don’t know how else to say it. I know I’m in the minority here, and that the Deer Park water drinkers will be at me in full force tomorrow morning. They will be attacking my character, my writing, and my livelihood. And while that’s wrong of them to react like that over something so inconsequential as one man’s opinion, I know they will. I understand that the water drinking culture on this campus is a vicious one, but I have to speak up, or else no one will. Let’s talk about what differentiates one water from another because as far as I can tell, it’s not much.

Whether it’s spring water or filtered water, it shares one big commonality, H2O. How can you tell me that one hydrogen dioxide tastes different from another? I want to be clear, I find water just as engaging as the next wataholic, I just can’t continue to be shamed into saying water tastes different. I’m not insinuating that I could replace a good spring of water, they are very talented mechanisms and I couldn’t do what they do.

But I do wish the water springs did something different. Why does all water have to taste the same? Most drinks, Propel™ for example, change with time. The flavors and variety get deeper and more interesting over time. That’s why, occasionally, on a good Sunday, I’ll allow myself a cold Propel or two. Now I know you’re going to twist my words and say that I’m just upset that whenever a new Propel™ flavor comes to campus, no one cares. You’re going to tell me I’m a crotchety old man, which I am, but that’s mean. It’s mean to call me a crotchety old man who secretly loves Propel™, which I am. Anyways, I just don’t see that level of innovation happening with water. Same taste for 14 billion years? That doesn’t sound like innovation to me. If you’re going to drink the same old water day in and day out, I have one question for you; why?

Why would you torture yourself? Drinking the same water everyday knowing that if the taste of water hasn’t changed in 14 billion years, it surely won’t change in 14 billion more. Wouldn’t (I’m positive I just spelled wouldn’t wrong, but roll with it) it be better to drink less water? That way at least that same bland taste is fresh and somewhat exciting every time (Wouldn’t looks weird now doesn’t it, ha get pranked punk). The fact that water has no variance to it upsets me, and I know it upsets you on some level. How do I know it upsets you on some level? That you resonate with it in some way? Because you’re going to be so upset about this article tomorrow. It will be all you can think about and you’ll even have to talk about it in your classes, I’m sure of it. You may not even read the whole article. You’ll probably just take what you want out of it and tell people I hate water and that no one should drink it or enjoy it. You know that’s wrong of you, and cold-hearted as well, but you’ll do it. If you really think my opinion is as uninformed and dumb as you want it to be, you wouldn’t react to it.

P.S. Emily Drake is fine, and The Weekly has a very strong security system both in office and online so you know I’m legit. 🙂

Yours Truly,

Wataholic Numero Uno


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