The secret to getting through registration without disappointment

It could be yours — for a price, of course


I am a sophomore here at Muhlenberg College and I have discovered the secret to the mess that is registration. Every semester I see students of every year scrambling and panicking to get into the classes they desire and or need so as to graduate, and every semester I see those same students disappointed when not everything goes their way. As I watch this, I am left thinking that they are all fools, and guess what, so are you, because I have discovered a sure-fire way to keep away from disappointment at the end of registration. Now, I’m sure you’re sitting (or standing) there thinking, “Will, please reveal to me your secrets,” to which I respond with, “what’s in it for me?” I’ve got a golden ticket with this quick trick, and you want me hand it out to any old Java Joe Schmo? No! Heck no!

Let me set the record straight: I have nothing. The wife took the kids and my single has never felt so empty. My grades are just not. My phone is never over 13% battery. And worst of all, I’ve had a cough all week and I think I may be getting sick but it may end up being nothing. Long story short, all I’ve got in this world is this secret to ensure you register without disappointment. That’s all I have, so if I’m gonna give it away, then I’m gonna have to get something in return, because without this one little trick I’d have nothing but the clothes on my back, the love and support of my friends and family, and a hefty sum of money I’ve stolen from my father, and he’s a lawyer so if you tell him that I stole from him I’ll sue you.

Now that we know I have something you want, what do you have that I want? I will only give up this secret if you meet my list of demands. Actually, I don’t like the phrase “list of demands,” that makes it sound like I’m some sort of villain.

I’ve got a golden ticket with this quick trick, and you want me hand it out to any old Java Joe Schmo?

Let’s call them “a list of needs” that must be met or else I will not release my hostage (my hostage being the secret to getting through registration without disappointment). First off, I’m gonna need everyone on campus to sign a letter saying I’m taller than them. Secondly, everyone has to friend me on Facebook and be sure to poke me, no pokes means no secrets for you blokes. Thirdly, I’m allowed to play soccer and no one can stop me. Fourthly, I want to be called Dr. Cool and for Muhlenberg to give me an honorary degree to make it official. Last, but also least, I need the campus to come together as one and finally get Ron Paul in the big chair in Washington. Ron, this is all for you. If these needs are not met then I will burn the paper with the secret to getting through registration without disappointment to a crisp before your very eyes. You have 24 hours starting … now.

I want to be clear, I am not the bad guy in this situation. I’m just a down-on-my-luck country boy looking for a quick fix that he has earned. The real enemy here is Barack HUSSEIN Muhlenberg, he’s the one who started this mess when he first founded Muhlenberg in 2005, I’m just here to pick up the scraps, and what’s wrong with that? I’m like a rat, but not just any rat, I’m like pizza rat, you know the one from the internet that everyone loves. I know I’m not giving you a lot of time, but you guys are going to want to know that the secret to getting through registration without disappointment is not caring about what classes you get because then you won’t be disappointed because nothing matters.

Wait, no, don’t read that. That was a fake secret, you must meet my list of needs to get the real secret, so I’ll be seeing you all on Facebook.

(Note to self: think of a new secret in case they actually meet your needs since you just gave it away).


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