Paige’s Page

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Hey besties! Welcome to this week’s edition of Paige’s Page! I hope you all had a restful spring break and you are easing back into your busy schedules! I know that the first week after break is always really hard so I hope you were able to take time to readjust in whatever way you could. This week we are doing some more super fun questions! I am so excited to answer these because I think we all could benefit from taking ourselves a little less seriously. Let’s get started!

Hey Paige, why is no one in love with me? 

Hi, bestie! Wow, this question is really deep. In the words of my favorite person from the counseling center whose name I will not disclose, people are probably in love with you. (Are you catching on to where the unjustified confidence is coming from?) Like, multiple. And if they aren’t then you probably suck a little bit. But that’s okay! Learn to love yourself first because no one can love someone that hates themselves. It’s also okay to pretend that every person you interact with on a day-to-day basis is obsessed with you at all times. Here are some examples that may work for you: did the hot person who works at Java Joe tell you that they like your outfit? Plan your wedding, like now. Did the guy in your class say “to piggyback off of your point”? That means she’s obsessed with you and you should ask him to get dinner. Did a cute girl bump into you and literally knock you to the ground without apologizing and walk away? She thinks you’re cool, and you should ask for her Instagram and then like her last five recent posts. I know my life and personal well-being have exponentially improved by thinking like this. Remember, it’s not delusion, it’s self-love. 

Hi Paige, I’m on the men’s basketball team here at Muhlenberg, I want to break out of my comfort zone and try out for some plays. I have been told in the past that I have a really great voice, but my athlete friends are super against my creative journey. What do you think I should do? 

Hey, bestie, happy March Madness! I think you should give it a shot! Your teammates could come to watch you bop to the top! Who wouldn’t want to support their talented friends in trying new things? Fun story, I actually just auditioned for my first Muhlenberg production at the Red Door Play Festival! I got in and my friends are so excited to watch me. It could be the start of something new for you, maybe you could finally find what you’ve been looking for. Don’t stick to the status quo because you feel like you have to. Here, there is no theater kid box or athlete box (even though I have heard via a certain Instagram page we are D-3 at both) that you have to put yourself into. Do what makes you happy! Maybe try encouraging your friends to stay in their lane and to get their heads in the game. Only supportive people should stick around to watch your acting debut live. You need to break free of whatever is holding you back. Ultimately they are still your teammates and when it comes to basketball you are all in this together so remember that these relationships go beyond the court and they should always have your back.  

Hi Paige, I am your secret admirer. You are so hot, smart and funny. I feel like if you knew who I was you would never be into someone like me. How does a guy like me land a gal like you? 

Hi, bestie! I love this question! Thank you so much for your kind words! You can’t tell because you are reading in a paper copy of the Weekly, but I’m blushing. I would first like to say that your lack of confidence proves your point correct, I wouldn’t be interested in you. However, it also proves it very wrong because you can ask literally any of my friends, I love insecure men. Here is how to get me to fall in love with you; pay very close attention because this has been incredibly helpful in men learning how to cause me immense emotional distress. Step 1: Laugh at everything I say, you just said I’m funny so you’re so close already. Step 2: Let me be mean to you; it is my love language. Step 3: Remember insignificant details that I have referenced maybe one singular time. I have this thing about people not listening to me that I am working on in therapy, and I will fall instantly. Step 4: Be Jewish. When I was in kindergarten, I had a “boyfriend” named Ben. He told me he would convert to Judaism for us to be able to get married. He is my favorite “ex-boyfriend.” (If he wanted to—he would, ladies.) Step 5: Don’t be cringy. I catch “the ick” faster than college students catch mono (which I have already had), don’t sabotage yourself by doing totally normal things. Step 6: Stop drinking water, I like my men dehydrated. Step 7: and this is the most important step of all, DO NOT, under any circumstances, like me back. Since you have already told me you do, it’s not looking like love is in the cards for us buddy, but if you reevaluate and do these things I could be yours so, so soon. Better luck next time <3

If you could not tell, this was a joke. April Fools! I have actually received these questions from readers of Paige’s Page. I hope these answers were all you hoped and dreamed for and that you had a good chuckle! If you did not get this, I feel incredibly sorry for you and I hope you get well soon. 
You can submit questions to https://tinyurl.com/paigespagequestion. It will also be linked in my Instagram bio— @paigeweisburg and in the Muhlenberg Weekly Instagram Linktree.

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