Tiny horoscopes for a tiny campus
Weekly advice and predictions
Communicated to The Weekly staff by Victor’s Lament
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
This week you feel like a snake overdue to shed its skin. Unfortunately the closest you can get is to exfoliate—it can’t hurt!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You know, if you feel called out by a song you don’t HAVE to listen to it over and over. Just a thought.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You’re in denial that fall has set in and winter is on the way. Make it easier on yourself and embrace the seasonal depression. On the bright side: hot chocolate!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This week you’ll have a stress dream about learning how to do fractions in middle school. Don’t worry—either you’ve moved on to much more complicated equations now, or you’ll never have to do math without the Internet ever again.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You’re a little overwhelmed this week. Lay on the floor for 20 minutes and then get back to work!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Stay away from eggs this week, they’re always going to be too eggy.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Take out your frustrations via microwave popcorn. Imagine every “pop” is the sound of someone who annoyed you getting slapped.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Get yourself a swear word coloring book; you can get that repressed anger out and make something beautiful at the same time!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You can’t change the past. What you can do, is gaslight yourself and everyone else into pretending it didn’t happen.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Don’t worry—Halloween may be over, but you can terrify people with your existential questions all year round!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
If you’re not already scared for your Spotify Wrapped you should be, and God help you if you’re on Apple music.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Maybe you should watch some baby sensory videos and calm down.