The problems with ‘Berg

Our victor laments


Muhlenberg is a dapper little place with a dapper little community, but there are at least three definite glaring problems that everyone is aware of, but everyone is too fearful to speak up about. You might know the last person to speak out against Muhlenberg, her name was Vigilance. Look at her now, stone cold dead. Silenced by big ‘Berg. Despite this horrifying truth, I’m not afraid to talk about Muhlenberg.

Muhlenberg is bad, but how bad is it? Okay, not that bad. That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t or can’t criticize things we want to change. I have heard your complaints. I will sacrifice myself and speak for the people of ‘Berg. Just call me Martyr the Mule.

‘Berg Communication

We never know when events are, where events are or what events are. What is an event? Nobody has ever told me. There are some fantastic gems of events on campus that get much lower attendance than they deserve; HRL and MAC really outdo themselves sometimes, but how are we supposed to know? It’s because communication is so bad on campus. So bad, in fact, that we don’t even have ONE working phone booth. We need at least one phone booth per residential building. It just doesn’t make sense. We have a quarter machine in Prosser specifically for phone booths, but there is not one working booth in sight. I have so many quarters and absolutely nowhere to put them, and I know I’m not alone in this.

‘Berg Clothing

Why do my clothes smell so much? It must be something in the air at Muhlenberg, which desperately needs to be changed. Everyone always tells me how badly I smell, so I know this problem doesn’t only affect me. This wouldn’t be such a big issue if there was more private space on campus. Everyone knows that there is no better solution to having private space than issuing every student their own inflatable hamster ball to run to class in. The hamster balls will be one-size-fits-all so all students get equal space. You might notice that this does not fix the stinky Muhlenberg air that gets all over your clothes, and it does not help those on campus who are not students.

‘Berg Waste Management

Campus smells, and there is only one clear reason: campus is covered in garbage. We have so much left-over food from events, not a day goes by where I do not see Parents Plaza absolutely littered in hoagies. This can easily be fixed with the implementation of Scratch ‘n Sniff paper. Professors are constantly having us print out massive amounts of paper, so why not make the paper smell good once we have to throw it away? It’ll cover up all those hoagies, and our clothes will surely not smell so bad anymore. Oh, wait, I’ve just been told that we recycle paper, we don’t throw it out, this plan no longer works. Okay. Plan B. Muhlenberg can spray out the same good smell air as Walt Disney World Florida. Case closed.

There you have it. I have offered up some common problems, and some very easy solutions. Phone booths. Hamster balls. Scratch ‘n Sniff Paper. I hope, and I know Muhlenberg will continue to change for the better, I’m just glad to be a part of the process. If I should be turned to stone, pass on my legacy. If I am not turned to stone, I will take thanks in the form of a firm high five.


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