Hello faithful readers! Our story left off with a glimmer of hope. Some sparknotes for those of you who might have missed it: our school is under attack. Everything is worse and we are no longer safe, or at least that’s what I had originally thought until I saw a brave figure emerge from the darkness to save a group of freshmen from a pack of angry, hungry, highly trained wolves. As you can probably tell, I have been in awe of this fantastic hero from the moment I first saw their shadowy shape swoop in and save the day. But I have been irked since then with the same, undying question- just who is this person, and can they be trusted?
I spent Thanksgiving Break combing over the details and exhausting the resources and budget of The Weekly trying to get answers, but nothing was jumping out at me. But then it hit me- why should I do the work when others can do it for me? So I set up a tip line and invited other Muhlenberg students, faculty, and staff to share similar stories of random heroism and hope that I could find some kind of common thread to piece together a cohesive story. And while a vast majority of the responses had to do with leaves magically disappearing (which I concluded to be Plant Ops’ doing), I heard many stories that support what I witnessed.
Pierce Lockett ‘19, a writing tutor, had this to say: “I was working on a paper in the library last week. I was in C-Level so I was expecting it to be quiet, but some jerk was playing music without headphones. It was already tough to concentrate, but this was just making it worse. Suddenly, as I was working up the courage to confront him myself, a strange, tall, lanky figure popped out from behind the stacks and started singing louder than the music. This, obviously, caught me off-guard, but as he slowly moved closer to the perpetrator and as his voice moved more and more off-key, the guy just shoved his laptop in his backpack and ran away. And just as the shadowy man appeared, he seemed to vanish into thin air and I was able to get back to my paper. It was pretty irritating, but at the end of the day it got the job done.” Shadowy figure, appeared out of nowhere, saved an innocent civilian from unspeakable doom? This clearly seems similar to what I experienced, but it doesn’t stop there.
Mary Fiala, a Resident Advisor in the BRS area, shared her story: “One night last week I was up studying for an english exam until about two in the morning, when I fell asleep on my open textbook, forgetting to set my alarm for the next morning. I awoke to the shrill, piercing sound of the fire alarm around 7:00 a.m., just the time I needed to get up to get to my exam on time. Apparently, some visitor burnt popcorn in the common room just before the re alarm went off. I couldn’t get a great look at him, but he seemed to be wearing a form fitting bodysuit and a mask of some kind. Would I call him a hero? Probably not. I’m pretty sure all of South was annoyed to be woken up by a re alarm, but I got to my exam on time which was good I guess.” This definitely fits the M.O. of our hero, and even though Mary wouldn’t call him a hero, I definitely would (and you should too!).
So now you might be thinking what all of this means in the grand scheme of things. It’s clear we have more than a mere do-gooder on our hands, we have a bonafide superhero climbing the ranks here at Muhlenberg College, which is the most exciting thing to happen here since Jesse McCartney came in 2016. But what’s most exciting is that as the journalist who discovered him, I have the authority to name him, and with all of the reports sharing a theme, I could think of no better name than “THE IRRITATOR.” With a hero like “THE IRRITATOR” cleaning up campus and doing good deeds, I expect Muhlenberg to be back to its good old self in no time. So stay tuned, loyal reader, as I will be bringing you updates on all things “THE IRRITATOR” until he slowly and gracefully dies a hero, or lives long enough to see himself become the villain.
EDITOR’S NOTE: “The Muhlenberg Weekly does not and has never condoned or en- couraged vigilante justice in any way, shape or form. What’s next? Dogs with badges? That wouldn’t make any sense.”
-Will Wamser, Op-Ed Section Editor