Hello again, loyal readers. For those of you who might have missed my first article, I will be using this column as a platform to bring to light some of the too oft overlooked issues that are plaguing our campus. Problems like the lack of accessible parking near academic buildings, the randomness of the so called “dewey decimal” system the library uses, and, most importantly, the crime wave that has been slowly creeping across campus. From petty theft and vandalism to supernatural phenomena and widespread gang violence, it’s impossible to ignore this troubling trend. However, over the weekend I was a firsthand witness to an incident that gives me hope that we are on the right track.
I was walking home around 11:35 p.m. on Saturday night after I had just finished crafting an article on the Seegers bathrooms in the aftermath of a particularly messy Pasta Monday, I saw a group of freshmen wandering Chew Street trying to find the frat party they clearly just pre-gamed for. I found it odd that they couldn’t find the party because I could hear the muffled music from several blocks away, and I was wearing earbuds. Regardless, I put my head down and kept walking because I felt the warm embrace of my bed pulling me towards it. This continued until we were crossing past the chapel lawn and over the music I heard one of them shriek.
When I looked up, I saw a pack of wolves starting to descend upon the tipsy group. And these weren’t just any old wolves, I could tell by the look in their eyes and the drool dripping from their lips that they were as hungry as they could be. And these weren’t just any old hungry wolves, the way they all came together to prey on these innocent students made me realize that they were trained. And these weren’t just any old hungry, trained wolves, they looked like something I have never seen before. Their legs were stubby, their ears were floppy, their howls sounded more like “yip,” and their bodies resembled hot dogs, but I know a pack of wolves when I see them!
Obviously, I was completely stunned when I saw this. What was even more surprising than this sight was how calmly the group of freshmen responded to this attack. It was like they weren’t even afraid at all, which I’m assuming was fueled by the dubious amount of alcohol in their systems. I knew in that moment they needed to be saved, but before I could act a shadowy figure emerged from the darkness and stood between the hungry pack of vicious wild animals and their meal. It was pretty dark so I couldn’t get a great look at who this mysterious being was or what they looked like, but what happened next can be described as nothing less than heroic. The shadow lurched their head back and let out the longest, loudest, and most highpitched howl I had ever heard in my life. It was louder and longer than the tune that plays from Haas every day at noon.
This filled the wild pack with so much fear that they all turned around and scattered, as if they had forgotten their training and realized that their hunger wasn’t their biggest threat. Strangely enough, the same happened with the group of party-goers, who quickly turned and ran back the way they came before thanking their savior, which was objectively very rude of them. Once their job was done, the enigma disappeared as quickly and mysteriously as they arrived.
I had to stop to take stock of what just happened. A tragedy was averted and the perpetrators got a taste of a new threat to their treachery. But the introduction of this shadowy figure brings a whole slew of questions to mind. Who are they? Why did they feel the need to stand in and help?
And, most importantly, is this the hero that Muhlenberg needs to rid the sidewalks of the horrors that we’ve been seeing? In this turbulent time, one thing is for sure- if we ever figure out who this brave, selfless, and likely incredibly handsome hero is, they deserve all the praise in the world.
