We all know and love dinosaurs — a few of us may even be in love with dinosaurs. But there actually isn’t a lot we know for sure about these dinos or “caveman dogs” as they are more commonly referred to as. For instance, did you know that most dinosaurs were small? Or that nine out of ten dinosaurs agree that Colgate is the toothpaste of winners? Or that the film “Jurassic World” was actually false? I’m gonna assume none of you knew that because, no offense, you’re dumb and legally you can’t be mad at me for saying that because I said no offense; my dad’s a lawyer so I know laws. Look, everyone “knows” that dinosaurs had big chompers when in reality most dinosaurs chompers were average in size. We’ve been getting those easy facts wrong, so maybe we got a few other things wrong too. Namely, dinosaurs being extinct, because they are still here and they are still kicking it with all their buds, and maybe a little bit of bud. Studies have shown that dinosaurs would smoke weed like all the time. And more studies are showing that those same dinosaurs have gotten sober, but they are alive.
Recently, some nerdy science book said something about big lizards. Do not ask me what book, I did not read the book because reading is for dweebs and you better believe I am not a dweeb. Also, do not ask me what the book said about big lizards, remembering things is what losers do and I am a winner. You know what winners do? They know things, like how I know that those big lizards are actually velociraptors in disguise. I’ve got these hidden dinos numbers, the other day I saw a pterodactyl wearing Groucho Marx glasses. Groucho glasses, can you believe that? That pterodactyl thought they could trick me with Groucho glasses, little did they know that I invented Groucho glasses. When I saw this faker, I attacked. I came to this country to do two things: chew bubblegum and kill dinosaurs, and my dentist says I’m not allowed to chew bubble gum anymore. But I was stopped — by a dentist no less. I was yelling at her to let me go (that’s right, the dentist was a woman) but she just kept telling me that I was going to hurt her “dog,” which I’m ashamed to admit it but that’s not a species of dinosaur I’m familiar with. And that’s when I noticed that she was also wearing Groucho glasses and I figured out that she was only trying to stop me because she was also a dinosaur.
So I ran, because I’m very strong and handsome but not strong and handsome enough to take on two dinosaurs at once. Once I escaped I started really paying attention to what was going on around me. Groucho glasses, there are Groucho glasses everywhere, I’d say about one in ten, quote unquote, people are wearing Groucho glasses. Which means one in ten, quote unquote, people are actually some dinos. So, I went to my sister-in-law Cathy, I had to tell someone, I needed to know I wasn’t the last human alive on this world of dinosaurs. I sit down in her office, head in my hands, freaking out about how I’m gonna stop this infestation. That’s when I look up to see a plastic mustache connected to a plastic nose connected to plastic glasses, and I know they’re Groucho’s. I ran before she could feed me to her dino babies.
Long story short, I don’t know how far this goes but I’m assuming all the way to the top. I am putting myself in immense danger by publishing this article and am actually very brave about it too. For all I know, my section editor could be a dino, the editor in cheese here could be a dino, heck even you could be a dino. If you are a dino, please disregard everything I said before this point and please stop reading, thank you. Now for those non-imposters who are still reading, listen up because we’ve got a lot of work to do to get rid of these darn dinos. I’ve made an event on facebook dot com for the day where we take our earth back, but before I can let you join I’ve got to make sure you aren’t an informant. To become a part of an event you must friend me on the ‘book, poke me a few times, we’ll meet up for coffee, see where things go, no pressure, and if I determine that you are not wearing Groucho glasses then you join the ranks of me and my estranged son Jeremy in the revolution.
If I figure out you have dino DNA, then I’m gonna citizen’s arrest you in front of your grandpap and then citizen’s arrest your grandpap.