Welcome back everyone. Before getting into the thick of it, I need to clear the air a little bit. Firstly, I welcome all my friends and acquaintances who were abroad last semester, I assume you all read my many many articles. If any of you missed even a single one of my articles, then I am giving you one week to rectify this insolence. If a week passes and you have not made good on your holy promise, then do NOT expect any valentines cards from this guy. Now that we have covered the important stuff, let’s get to the junk.
I know there’s one question on everyone’s mind, thousands if not dozens of people have been hounding me for the answer. I can’t take two steps without someone accosting me with, what I must admit is both a curse and a gift. The question plaguing this campus; “What makes you the Muhlen-babe of Muhlenberg?” For those of you who don’t know what this is referring to, grow up already. If you go to snapchat you will see a custom filter declaring myself, Will Wamser, to be the Muhlen-babe of Muhlenberg. This came to be when an associate of mine, Bill Bamser (long story), wrote a beautifully written article entitled “Oh, how I’ve longed for a geo-tag of my own” lamenting his life for not having a custom snapchat filter. This caught the attention of Snapchat LLC, causing them to contact me, seeing as Bill Bamser died (I’m telling you, it’s a long story). Basically, Snapchat thought I was enough of a Muhlen-babe to declare me THE Muhlen-babe of Muhlenberg. I thank them and honor them.
I’m SO sad that I don’t have a year’s worth of Werther’s Original Hard Candies. Boo hoo.
But that’s not even the point of this article, that was just an update for all you boyles (nine nine!) and ghouls. The real point of this article is that I’m SO sad that I don’t have a year’s worth of Werther’s Original Hard Candies. Boo hoo. My life just isn’t complete until I get an entire year’s supply of Werther’s Original Hard Candies. Oh wow, I’m just crying all over the place. If I could get some of those nice Werther’s Originals I’d probably use them to wipe my tears away. If only there was some gullible, uh I mean kind, company out there that would supply me with three Werther’s Originals for every one of the 365 days in the year, making for a total of 1,095 distinct Werther’s Original Hard Candies. It’s just so difficult not having my Werther’s, they follow my brain everywhere I go.
For instance, whenever I go to my Gam Gam’s, which is often, she’s flaunting her Werther’s Originals right in front of me and I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve warned her time and time again, but she won’t stop rubbing her Werther’s Originals in my face. Do you know what it’s like to have your own Gam Gam mock and torture you? It’s not as much fun as you’d think. My Gam Gam has been causing me a lot of pain and misery, and Werther’s you have the power to make it all stop, to make her stop.
But enough about my sweet old Gam Gam. Werther’s, let’s get real. I hate murder as much as the next guy. I don’t want to do it, you don’t want me to do it, so just help me out. Help me, help you. Just to be clear, in case any straightedge folks are reading, I’m not gonna do anything, especially not kill anyone. But, If I had a year’s worth of Werther’s Originals, maybe I’m more likely to not do anything. Let’s just say that the ball is in your court Werther’s, be smart.
Look, I’m not a bad guy, it’s just like the title of the article says “Will Wamser loves Werther’s,” and I’m just a guy who loves Werther’s, what’s wrong with that? Hold on, I’m being told that that is not the title of this article. Apparently, the title is “Will Wamser finally sold out,” so that’s just great. I really think that’s unfair, I am not selling out. I am just a guy who is using his platform to tell everyone about how much he loves his Werther’s Originals and boy do I wish I had some, specifically 1,095 (or 1,098 if 2019 is a leap year), Werther’s Originals. But if it just so happens that I get some free Werther’s Originals out of this thing, then mission accomplished.
Look I’m not selling out, I’m just cashing in. It’s all one big ill-conceived gambling metaphor. The chips are the Werther’s, the cards are the Werther’s, the dealer is the Werther’s and the Werther’s are me. And at the end of the day, the house always wins. So, I’d be a fool not to be a fan. I’m actually such a big fan that maybe Werther’s better give me something special for my being a fan. Fans with articles deserve nice things, and I deserve the nicest of them all. I don’t expect anything, but I better get EVERYTHING. And in case anyone was wondering, like maybe August Storck, you can contact me through facebook.