Yes, the rumors are true. I am deeply saddened to announce that I will be leaving facebook.com today, never to return. I’m sure this will come as a shock to some of my more loyal fans, but enough is enough. Now, with everything going on, it seems pretty obvious why I would leave but for those of you living under a rock, allow me to explain. Mark Suckerberg is a criminal and I refuse to implicitly support his crimes against, not just the United States, but the world as a whole. Honestly, I’m not sure where to begin, some of the egregious acts committed by Mr. Suckerberg and facebook.com are not actually crimes, but they are far from moral.
There are many reasons for my leaving, but there is one that pushed me over the edge into the dark depths of other, non-facebook.com, websites. It all comes down to one question I have for Dr. Suckerberg, whatever happened to the Graffiti Wall? As I’m sure all of you know, in 2007 facebook.com released an app entitled “Graffiti Wall,” where you could draw pictures on your friends’ walls. Facebook.com struck gold, and we spat in their face for it. We should all be ashamed. But especially you, Colin Hauck ‘20! I remember seeing all of you joining groups called “1000 strong to get rid of the Graffiti Wall” or “50000 against the Graffiti Wall,” well I hope it was worth it because on April 26th 2008 they took it away, and the world wept.
Immediately after seeing this, I pushed my 5th grade teacher in to the largest trash can I could find as he attempted to console me and then I ran straight home. After taking a few days to heal and trying to remember who I was before the Graffiti Wall, I decided to take action. I created a group entitled “300 united to bring back the Graffiti Wall.” Today, the 10th anniversary of when the Graffiti Wall was sent to heaven, the group finally filled up. I want to give big ups to my main man Crab Arnold D.D.S. for finally getting us there, if you ever need teeth for anything please use my boy Crab, he deserves the world for his help, I owe him everything.
When the group hit 300, I was brought to tears, I have never felt a joy so intense, and I am including my children’s births. But to my great dismay, I found that Sir Suckerberg didn’t bring back the Graffiti Wall. Guess what Mark, that’s a crime!
To my great dismay, I found that Sir Suckerberg didn’t bring back the Graffiti Wall. Guess what Mark, that’s a crime!
The people have spoken and yet he remains silent. My entire point of view is shaken. What kind of world do we live in if facebook.com is not held accountable? Not a world I want to live in. It’s really a shame that I must leave because I love all the data mining and invasive profiling that they’ve been doing, if I’m being honest that’s what kept me with the ‘book.com for all this time. But a man can only make excuses for so long. If you agree with me, please delete your facebook.com account and if you want to let me know it, I’ll probably be hanging out with Crab, so you can just hit him up on Facebook and he’ll let me know.
[Correction: Apparently his name is Mark Zuckerberg and not Mark Suckerberg]