Today, we will be examining and ranking the primary Muhlenberg academic buildings on how hot they are. This list will be completely objective, although I do expect you to agree with me.
In order to completely eliminate my own biases, I have devised a bullet-proof system to determine the sex appeal of these titans based on three key criteria; A – pure physical attraction, C – approachability, and B – what it would be like to date said building. An important thing to note is that I have excluded the Hackademic buildings (Taylor, Seegers, etc.) for moral reasons.
6. Moyer
A – excruciating 4/10
B – It is very tall and likes to make you feel bad about that. It has the fashion sense of Trumbower with the confidence of New Sci (those are both bad things). If you know it for one day, you might enjoy its company. It seems friendly, but I can assure you it is very cold deep down.
C – Painfully slow elevator but lots of very fun stairs to make up for it. It is easy to seek out because it sticks out like a sore thumb. You do not want to go into this building.
5. New Sci
A – hard 5/10
B – He is not a morning person and will always remind you of that. He’s a little uncomfortable to be around at first, but the more you know him, the more you realize that he is very uncomfortable to be around. Has a very close relationship with Trumbower and if you ask nicely enough you can probably be their third.
C – He has relatively fast and efficient elevators, entrances on 3/4 of its sides, and his Ursus maritimus makes him a popular tourist destination.
4. Trumbower
A – soft 3/10
B – Voted “Most likely to have cobwebs” in high school. He seems young-spirited from the outside, but deep down he is dying to teach you how to play bocce ball. He is not a fantastic communicator, but he will do his best. Very connected to New Sci, which may be a hurdle.
C – Very approachable and easy to get along with. Slower elevators, but it’s what you’d expect.
3. The CA
A – burning 9/10
B – The one that got away. He is extremely passionate about everything he does, but his mind is everywhere at once. He definitely does not have time for you outside of an efficient 15 minute long meeting. Steals free condoms in his spare time.
C – Likes to distance himself from the rest. You have to go out of your way for him, and he will not do the same for you.
2. Ettinger
A – screaming 8/10
B – She is multilingual and has a strong sense of justice. She does not understand the concept of video streaming, but she feels braver for it. She only goes to supermarkets to get good deals on reusable tote bags.
C – Very open minded, and easy to approach from all angles. Only downside to seeing her is how likely you’ll also see Moyer.
1. Walson
A – simple 6/10
B – They are most “girl next door” of the buildings. If you cater your conversations to one of their three interests, they will repay you bountifully in popular indie music suggestions. They will probably pay on the second date but definitely not the third. They say they can hold their breath underwater for two minutes but you’ve never seen them do it.
C – Their shy nature makes them relatively difficult to meet initially, but you’ll find that conversation flows naturally afterwards. Possible wheelchair accessibility.
Now, I hope you all can make informed decisions on which Muhlenberg academic building you want to pursue. If you have any strong contradictory opinions, please write them on your physical copy of the newspaper and I will try to address them.
