The Beat with Matt Beaune

The Irritator’s Next Stand


Hello loyal readers! Before winter break, I finally came up with a sick nickname for the best superhero on campus, The Irritator. For those of you hoping that I would write about all of the cool things The Irritator did over break, I’m sorry to say it but I have no such stories. My inside sources tell me the reason behind his month long hiatus is that he was too stupid to remember to pack his stupid super suit and it got locked in his stupid dorm room and he couldn’t get in, no matter how hard he tried to pick the lock or bribe HRL. The Irritator is nothing without his suit.

But now he is back and making up for lost time with his biggest organized crime take-out yet as he paired up with an unlikely guest.

It all started when The Irritator was eating lunch in GQ last Monday afternoon. He had ordered six pancakes, essentially halting the grill line in the middle of the lunch rush. Once he cut into the not so short stack, someone wearing a trenchcoat and sunglasses sat next to him and passed him a note telling him to meet at sundown in the bell tower for an important assignment. Once the message was relayed, the mysterious figure vanished into thin air. At first, this proposal didn’t interest The Irritator. He had gotten enough assignments lately in his two writing intensives, so he wasn’t in the mood to write another 1-2 page reflection. This was until he realized that this wasn’t a homework assignment, it was a crime assignment.

When he went to the belltower, he met someone who only identified themselves as “DG” who handed him a manilla envelope. After receiving the envelope, The Irritator asked “if you brought the envelope, who’s bringing the updog?” “What’s Updog?” DG asked, to which he replied “Not much dog, what’s up with you?” To this, DG sighed and left, leaving The Irritator to open the envelope, where he found some pictures of penises drawn in the snow and a list of likely suspects. The Irritator was tasked to stop this sophomoric vandalism before the big snowstorm hit last Tuesday.

The Irritator got right to work trying to crack this case. He examined, in extreme detail, each of the photographs of the artwork in question, and was able to conclude that this was in fact a lone wolf acting alone and not some kind of vast conspiracy of several gifted artists working as a team. Once he was able to narrow that down, he started to look at this list of suspects that he was provided and developed what the experts call “a decent hunch.” There was one name that really stuck out to him for no particular reason, so he decided to go all in and pay this guy, <NAME REDACTED>, a little visit.

<NAME REDACTED> was eating lunch with some of his buddies in the dining hall when The Irritator repelled from the ceiling, grabbed him, and brought him to The Irritator Cave for some pretty thorough interrogation. The Irritator asked if he etched the penises in the snow. <NAME REDACTED> said that he didn’t. The Irritator asked again. <NAME REDACTED> still said no. This went on for about eighteen hours, until the suspect finally gave in. A Campus Police check of his dorm room after the interrogation turned up a chisel and a book entitled “How to Draw Penises in the Snow.” It was like taking candy from a baby.

After the arrest was officially made and <NAME REDACTED> was sentenced to 25 years to life, DG reached out again to The Irritator and offered any favor, which he promptly used to ensure that, no matter how cold or icy it was, no school was to be cancelled last week so all of the students can continue to learn uninterruptedly.  

Now that The Irritator has shown that he is willing to work with the administration and whoever DG is, will the public lose trust in him? Will he stray from his commitment to doing what is best for the campus as a whole and operate only as a corporate pawn? Only time can tell, but one thing is for sure: there’s absolutely nothing that can stop the raw power and intellect of The Irritator.

Until next time, stay safe out there Muhlenberg.


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