Right off the bat, let’s get one thing straight, the government is a bunch of fat-cat, libertarian, dorkwad, oligarchic pigs and now they’ve made things worse. So, apparently, there are these things called “taxes,” which, if you couldn’t tell from the title of this article, they are taxing me. All of a sudden, the government has started making us hardworking everyday country boys pay them. You read that right, the government is stealing your cash every day of your gosh darn life. You can’t even buy a loaf of Wonder Bread™ without having to give some of your hard-earned cash to those losers living in the white house. That’s right, Billiam Clinton is skimming a little off the top every time you eat a sandwich made with that wonderful bread.
I can understand how this may be overwhelming for some of my younger readers, so let me lay it out for you in real simple terms. Every time you buy something, Big Brother picks your pocket and that’s why the economy is bad. Things weren’t always like this. Back in my day, everything costed a nickel, including a slice of pie, but now everything costs a bunch of nickels and who has that kind of coinage? I’ll tell you who, it’s those dictators living the high life in Washington while the rest of us have to slum it in places like Missouri or Scotland. Life was simple then; everything smelled of oak, Las Vegas wasn’t so commercialized and I didn’t have to think about people who didn’t look like me, but the world changed when Clinton got greedy and passed the “Gimme Gimme Gimme Bill” of 2017, making it legal for Billiam Clinton to steal my wages.
I’m starting to think that we have to impeach this dummy, and he really is a dummy. I don’t know if you guys know this, but Billiam “Bill” Clinton isn’t actually the president, Dick Cheney is. But that’s beside the point, the issue is that taxes are actually really illegal. If you are sitting there thinking “Taxes aren’t that bad, the government needs cash too,” well then let me remind you that we fought a war to keep from paying taxes. If you want to look at the widows and widowers of the soldiers who died in the Revolutionary War in the eyes and tell them that their hubbies all died for nothing because all of a sudden, the government “needs cash too,” then be my guest. But as you are sitting there on your high horse, keep in mind that taxes are the invention of Winston Churchill, a communist, and if you are ok with that then I have some very bad news.
You read that right, the government is stealing your cash every day of your gosh darn life.
I didn’t want to be the one to break this to the world, but I suppose it is for the best that I, a respected newsperson, delivers this news. Here it is: the USA is officially England now. I hope that makes you jolly, mate. I, on the other hand, am not happy about this, which is why I am announcing my candidacy for Queen of England. I am running on the platform that I will make England the USA again, by getting rid of those bloody taxes and by making Wonder Bread™ the official bread of America, North and South. I am holding my first riot in York, which was once New York, and we will march towards Big Ben in New Donk City, which was the White House not but four sentences ago. Please come to support me, please, I need this. I’m asking nicely and I really want to be Queen of England so please just do me this one favor. If you can’t make it, then you may as well unfriend me on Facebook. Most importantly, remember to vote Will Wamser for Queen of England and together we can stop Clinton from getting his grubby little hands all over our cash.