To the untrained eye, Halloween appears to be a night for heathens focused on honoring the damned and indulging in the sin of gluttony. But you, dear reader, are lucky, for mine eyes have trained upon the mountain top under the great and powerful Ra’s Al Ghul for many years now and they are able to see the truth behind the holiday commonly known as Halloween. Let us examine the word, Halloween; “hallow” means a saint or holy person and the use of the suffix “– een” forms a diminutive noun, so Halloween is about honoring small saints. And who was the smallest saint? Why, Jesus Christ of course. The tradition of Halloween has lost its deeply religious roots.
Let’s take it back now y’all, to Corinthians 38:2 “And lo, Carl, go out among the people with nothing but the garb of the holiest and smallest of men and thine gourd, which has been properly emptied to make room for sweets a plenty, and demand thine neighbor to relinquish their treats lest they be tricked, by me, God.” A passage with more meaning now than it did when God’s secretary transcribed it for them.
Now you may be wondering why I included this passage, the answer is simple: this passage contains the first description of Halloween. You may now go back and reread the passage with this knowledge in mind.
Halloween is a night for all to honor Jesus with their most accurate depiction of him, part of the fun being that you can dress as Jesus at any age. I recall a few years back I went as 15-year-old Jesus and I won a few costume contests that night.
What you are supposed to do and who you are supposed to be is clearly laid out in the bible, and as a child it really meant something. I remember as a boy, not much smaller than Jesus himself, when every boy and none of the girls on the compound will call out for treats and threaten those who would not give them treats with the prospect that God may pull some sort of prank on them, except for Father Chad, who we all know is God’s wing man and God would never do him dirty like that. That is what Halloween should be, but ever since I was forcibly removed from the compound for watching the forbidden tape, “The Pineapple Incident” episode of “How I Met Your Mother,” I noticed that the rest of the world was using this most sacred of days to dress of monsters and ghouls with no regard for His heavenly father’s pranks.
And who was the smallest saint? Why, Jesus Christ of course.
You can see this war on Halloween everywhere in this time of year and it gets worse every year. With every year you see fewer and fewer stores decorating with the correct and appropriate cardboard skellington, symbolizing the small skinny man for whom this holiday is all about, and instead they are putting up plastic boogiemen, the Devil’s brother in arms in this war on Halloween! These boogiemen represent everything wrong with the world today; they are not for Christ, their main goal in Halloween is only to take the treats and not to bring about God’s tricks, they smell weird, they bring about a weak harvest and, worst of all, they are much too tall.
But what do we, as God fearing children of Father Chad, to do? We must march, march on Washington, DC or otherwise. Show those fat cats in both Washingtons that we’ve had enough of the children of this world dressing as monsters and ghouls, we’ve had enough of Jesus not being acknowledged as the smallest saint, we’ve had enough of the boogiemen stealing jobs from hard working Christian skellingtons and we’ve for sure had enough of the hallow being taken from Halloween. If you stand with me, meet me in both Washingtons tonight, if you can’t make it just let me know on Facebook. Together we shall put the hallow right where it belongs, in the word Halloween.