It is 2018 everyone, we know that how everyone gets their news is in a bad way. We have countless examples of news outlets intentionally spreading misinformation and excluding big stories to change the pervasive narrative in our country. And, as much as I hate to say it, “fake news” has also proved itself to be a problem. But in recent days the biased lame-stream media has crossed a line, I’d say that things went from bad to worse but in reality, it has gone from bad to worst, and I don’t use that word lightly.
I can deal with Fox News’ biased and bigoted reports based on information from weak sources. I can deal with CNN leaving out pertinent information from their stories. I can even deal with the New York Times giving a platform for bigoted opinions that have no place in the current discourse. But I’m not gonna deal with this one. It is made worse as every news outlet has failed, not only me, but the world as a whole. And it is not what was said, it was what was left unsaid.
On Tuesday, Mar. 20, Richard Starkey, also known as Ringo Starr and one of the original lads from Liverpool, was made a knight by the royal family, and for some reason I did not find out until like 10 minutes ago.
How does something like this happen? One of the biggest news stories of the millennium some- how didn’t come across my desk until like 10 minutes ago. Actually, I just checked and it was more like five minutes ago, how messed up it that? This Should Not Happen! This is the most unacceptable act by the lame-scream media yet, they should have known to show me that Richard went from Ringo to Sir Ringo.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with my lord Sir Ringo Starr, stop reading. I do not want you in my readership, you don’t deserve my words. You deserve nothing. For anyone who knows who he is but not where he came from, let me take you on a journey. Sir Ringo Starr wasn’t always a knight, he wasn’t even always a Ringo. At his birth in lovely Liverpool, Ringo Starr was Richard Starkey. Both his mother and father died during childbirth, leaving Richard alone in a frightening world. He was soon adopted by his brother, John Lennon (ever heard of him?), who raised Richard as his own. What happened between Richard’s birth and his 13th birthday is one of life’s greatest mysteries, but on that birthday, he became Ringo when he accidentally put on a ring that was essential to a cult’s sacrifice to the goddess Kaili. Ringo was unable to take off the ring and thus wears it to this day.
It wasn’t until he was 19 when he had the idea to start a band and began playing the drums. This band went on to be the B- 52s, though Ringo was kicked out of the band he created very quickly. That was when the Fab Four took pity on him and allowed him to join, in later years it was revealed that they did so solely as a prank — but this prank brought the band to fame and fortune. Over the years of fame with the Beatles, Ringo became bored of his rock and roll lifestyle and the year before the breakup, he decided to change his catch phrase from “war and hate” to “peace and love.”
Many people theorize why Ringo decided to leave the band, with theories including that he got lost and that he was found. But the truth is that Ringo left the Beatles to focus on his true dreams, starring in Skechers ads — a dream he achieved.
Currently, Sir Ringo spends most of his time tweeting out pictures with a caption along the lines of “Peace and love and peace and love and peace and love,” and stretching his index and middle fingers to prepare for any peace signs he may have to throw up.
Every single musician, living or dead, lists Ringo Starr as their greatest influence. That’s just a fact, no two ways about it. Which makes it even more confusing that nobody told me that he had been knighted. Anderson Cooper didn’t tell me, Wolf Blitzer didn’t tell me, Rachel Maddow didn’t tell me, nobody told me! If that didn’t already hurt enough, I had dinner with Wolf on Wednesday and I even asked him if there was any news about Ringo and he said no! He lied straight to my beautiful face, who does that?
In all fairness, I can’t blame every news outlet — just kidding I can, and I will. Take for instance, this very paper. That’s right, I’m coming after the mad dogs who run this joke of a newspaper. Do yourself a favor and check out the front page because last I checked there ain’t no picture of Sir Ringo Starr up there. That’s right Greg: you’re part of the problem. That is why I am calling for an all-out boycott of all news outlets, but especially The Muhlenberg Weekly.
If you are holding the paper right now, burn it. If you are reading this online, burn your computer. If you are reading this some other way, burn something of your choice. Because after this debacle, I think I’m about the pull up a chair right next to the Joker and watch the world burn.
I want to end this article with a thank you to Sir Ringo Starr, who has brought peace and love into the lives of every single human being on any planet. You sir, are my hero and my father. I love you dad. So, dad if you want to reach out for a catch sometime, I’m on Facebook. Peace and love.