my family’s tree

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anger passes down through my family like an ancient amulet

and i am next in line

my mother was the first to show me 

this rage,

and then the rest began to fall in line

our heads like the ends of dynamite, needing only a spark to detonate

as my mother was the first to show me

she was the first to undo

her warm hands, even tone, and fierce loyalty made me want to be just like her

And this was already happening, 

the anger my mother had felt at 18 became the anger i felt when i was 18

It was uncontrollable

A dumbbell sitting in my intestine

the only word my brain could compute was “hit”

Crash,

Bang,

Wiz

all over my bedroom,

i would break anything i could

 red knuckles and tearful eyes were the only remnants of the blast

until i got so good at hiding it, the only sign of my outburst became my clenched jaw

there’s a sick kind of satisfaction in knowing how capable you are of destruction

that is only born from being in the path of it for too long

everyone in my family has this anger

they show it in different ways (or not at all)

my dad is the silent type

my aunts are the gossip types

my uncles are the niche interest types

my grandparents hide it with excessive love

my mom is the one who taught me how to hide

and exercise 

my own

they all have it

Why do you pretend you don’t?

what has come between us all and why won’t you fix it?

not that i want you to now because

.. it’s awkward

and christmas eve is quiet.

every holiday is quiet without my family

what used to be boisterous and full of laughter that would only once in a blue moon be interrupted by searing words and air so thick it’s hard to breathe

is now fragmented

Apart, we are all connected by this parasite
our beloved, ancient amulet

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