anger passes down through my family like an ancient amulet
and i am next in line
my mother was the first to show me
this rage,
and then the rest began to fall in line
our heads like the ends of dynamite, needing only a spark to detonate
as my mother was the first to show me
she was the first to undo
her warm hands, even tone, and fierce loyalty made me want to be just like her
And this was already happening,
the anger my mother had felt at 18 became the anger i felt when i was 18
It was uncontrollable
A dumbbell sitting in my intestine
the only word my brain could compute was “hit”
Crash,
Bang,
Wiz
all over my bedroom,
i would break anything i could
red knuckles and tearful eyes were the only remnants of the blast
until i got so good at hiding it, the only sign of my outburst became my clenched jaw
there’s a sick kind of satisfaction in knowing how capable you are of destruction
that is only born from being in the path of it for too long
everyone in my family has this anger
they show it in different ways (or not at all)
my dad is the silent type
my aunts are the gossip types
my uncles are the niche interest types
my grandparents hide it with excessive love
my mom is the one who taught me how to hide
and exercise
my own
they all have it
Why do you pretend you don’t?
what has come between us all and why won’t you fix it?
not that i want you to now because
.. it’s awkward
and christmas eve is quiet.
every holiday is quiet without my family
what used to be boisterous and full of laughter that would only once in a blue moon be interrupted by searing words and air so thick it’s hard to breathe
is now fragmented
Apart, we are all connected by this parasite
our beloved, ancient amulet
