Tiny horoscopes for a tiny campus
Weekly advice and predictions
Communicated to The Weekly staff by Victor’s Lament
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You’re just in a silly goofy mood this week. Unfortunately for you, silly goofy ends with you running half-naked down the center of Chew Street. At least it’s warm out.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re suspicious that someone stole your favorite pen. You’re right, they did. Or maybe they didn’t. Better cut them out of your life completely just in case.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you get the french toast sticks in GQ. Trust me.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Sometimes people not hearing you is a good thing. Think of it like an extra life in a video game—now you get a chance to not do the stupid thing.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You can’t call it your delulu era if you’ve just always been delulu.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This week you remember that shrimp get to see a whole other spectrum of colors that you never will and it sends you into a spiral. It’s sad, I know, but you do still need to eat meals and do your homework.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your overall vibe this week is giving kid-who-got-gum-stuck-in-their-hair-and-cut-it-out-themselves. Slap some peanut butter on it and do better next week.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Be careful of moving in extremes, you’re prone to ripping your pants.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
The same quality that makes you sexy and mysterious is what makes bees so attracted to you. Try and suppress that animal magnetism.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This week you have the urge to do work in the basement of Moyer—don’t. You’ll catch some kind of spore if you’re down there too long.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Avoiding spending any time in the library doesn’t make you cool, it just makes you a
bibliothecaphobe. You’d know what that meant if you went to the library more.