Tiny horoscopes for a tiny campus
Weekly advice and predictions
Communicated to The Weekly staff by Victor’s Lament
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Heal your inner horse girl by galloping through a field, maybe even under Victor’s Lament.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Don’t bother going outside this week, it’s not worth it. Vampire era starts now.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Bad people are occasionally going to be taller than you, and you just have to live with that.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Sometimes you need to be lightly misted like the lettuce in Wegmans, and that’s ok.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Be the red sock in the washing machine of life.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t get the soup, it’s not gonna be what you want it to be.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
I know everyone needs to drink more water, but you really need to drink more water.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Wanna shake it up a little? Try a new brand of peanut butter. It’ll change your entire outlook.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Ignorance is bliss—except when it’s absolutely catastrophic. Maybe try for ignorant-ish?
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Life is short, stick stickers on everything.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
I know you were hoping to be the liability this week, but one of your friends is already way ahead of you. You’ll get your turn eventually.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
A lie of omission may still be a lie, but at least it can’t get you charged with perjury!