Tiny horoscopes for a tiny campus
Weekly advice and predictions
Communicated to The Weekly staff by Victor’s Lament
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Beware of people playing Assassin, you make a great human shield.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re not living life to the fullest if you aren’t picking the mystery flavor Dum-Dums.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You feel like the main character this week. You’re not. You’re actually the boom mic that’s accidentally visible for a second in season 1, episode 16 of “Gilmore Girls.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Don’t take things personally this week—have other people take them for you. You’re the mastermind behind a petty thievery ring now. For legal reasons this is a joke.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
This week you feel like a Roomba that’s stuck on the edge of a fluffy carpet. Maybe if you make a concerning enough noise someone will come un-stick you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You’re going to listen to one song on repeat all week. Make it a good one!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Still thinking about that handsome stranger you met? Stop. It was just the lighting.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Did you process it, or did you just think about it really hard for two hours and then pretend it never happened?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Make your enemy a friendship bracelet and misspell their name in beads.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
When was the last time you vacuumed your room? The answer is too long ago. Don’t be gross.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
If the vibes feel a little off this week, go get a piercing about it.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Spend some time in the ML Underground while you still can.