What up boils and ghouls!!! That’s right, it’s me! The rude, crude and blude Muhlen-babe of Muhlenberg, and I am back at it again, ready to give all you boils and ghouls out there some much needed advice. I am the prince of Muhlenberg, the mayor of Allentown and the tallest dude on this campus (and oh yeah, I’m hot) so I think you’ll want to read on.
This is going to be some of the best advice given by one of the best guys. You must be asking yourself, what makes this advice good? Well, thank you for the question, but please don’t interrupt, it’s very rude. I would answer the question, but you see patience is a virtue. Good things come to those who wait, so get waiting buddy. But just to be clear, that wasn’t the advice, you think I would give you some podunk advice like that? Wow, you guys really are boils and ghouls. No no, my advice is grander than that. It’s will be some of the grandest advice you’ve ever heard. The best part? I’m not even joking.
But this advice does come with a cost, you are no longer allowed to take other advice, especially if it comes from this pamphlet or anything Muhlenberg Weekly related. You think the other bozos writing these articles are as hot as me? NO WAY!! I know these people and they have nothing to offer. Let’s be honest here, they all had a lot to offer in their younger and more vulnerable years, but I took it from them and now I’m offering it.
Honestly, don’t read. Blind yourself like your hero Oedipus and cast yourselves from your families. Become a hermit like your other hero, Hermit the Frog. Once you read what I’ve got to offer, you’ll go bananas with all the power you’ll gain and all the ways you’ll abuse said power. You shall be a god among peanuts or, if you’d prefer, a peanut among gods. I’m going to teach you how to control your destiny and live life the way I do, fast, angry, alone, powerful, mean, hungry and with intent.
But enough about me, let’s talk about you and the great advice I’ll be giving you. The advice basically comes down to this, an apple a day keeps the doctors away. BOOM! Might as well call me Kobe because that was some prime beef and it was a slam dunk. You think I got to where I am now by seeing doctors? Heck no! The only doctor I want to see is Doctor Worm. Doctors will bleed the life blood from you one drop at a time and the only things keeping them at bay are apples. That’s all the advice I have and all the advice you need, so goodbye.
Oh, and you’re welcome.