Oh no. Dear reader. You do not understand what you have just started, but it isn’t too late to turn back. See, there’s a monster at the end of this article. Pictured above is an artistic rendering, but really, I can only guess what it looks like. It will surely be a horrifying, slimey creature, but good news! We don’t have to face it! You can just stop reading right now.
Okay. I see you haven’t stopped reading, and I get it! Situations like this don’t happen very often, but you have to believe me and STOP. Trust me, there are so many better articles to read in this issue. Look, right next to this, it’s “DC do better”. Sounds interesting, right? Why don’t you go and read about “wrestling”, or go check out “We’d tap that”. In fact, you don’t have to read in the first place. Go play a sport, nerd (Sorry!). No one is asking you to stay here; I certainly am not.
Listen, buddy, do this for the both of us. I am certainly in no state to get scared. I was sitting at the top of this article for a while, and I refuse to throw in the towel. I will not succumb to the beast. I successfully avoided all articles about anything scary — haunted houses, spooktaculars and inequality — I don’t think my heart can take it. So seriously, stop reading. I beg of you.
Do you think this is a game? You just moseyed on over here and completely disregard my feelings of fright. Who do you think you are, dear reader? Honestly, it sounds like you are the monster. Yeah, that’s right. You care nothing for the little guys like me; you just have your own ignorant, selfish reading habits that you just have to fulfill. I asked you, pleaded with you. I almost offered you money. You clearly don’t care about anyone but yourself. And look, here you are, still reading — four paragraphs in.
Wait, we are five paragraphs in and still nothing bad has happened. This is the end, and there is no monster. I am the only one here … why was I so scared? I guess I’ve been selfish. I was afraid of coming to terms with the fact that I am ignorant. I’m just closed minded to anything challenging, like the Olympics. This entire time, I did not think once about your own interests. Maybe I should step outside my comfort-zone, and maybe you just like reading this, and that’s okay. I shouldn’t have stolen 15 dollars from you and I … had no right to call you a monster. It was me all along. I think I’ll try to be better. Thank you.