Picture this: you’re kissing someone. Their lips are moving against yours and you feel nothing, nothing, nothing.
Actually, I’m lying. You feel stupid, you feel like you are doing something wrong even though physical evidence is showing you that you are not doing anything wrong. But it feels wrong, because kissing feels like nothing and shouldn’t it feel like something? This person you are kissing is your significant other and you’ve read books and have seen movies where the main character needs to kiss their partner. They ache for it. They can’t keep their hands off them. Your partner can’t keep their hands off of you and you feel like you should want it. You want to want it. But you feel nothing. You feel lips against yours.
Because of this, you reevaluate your life. You think about a time where you’ve wanted to kiss someone, hook up with someone, have sex with someone. You come up blank. This doesn’t scare you, because, who wants to do that? Turns out, a lot of people do. But not you. You go on the internet and read the term asexuality: a person who does not feel sexual attraction. What the hell is sexual attraction? What does that feel like, to see a person, even a stranger, and think, “I want to kiss you”? Is that real? Do people really do that? You ask your roommate and they say yes. Yes? Yes.
Later, you tell your partner about this label that seems to fit just right. Asexuality. They nod their head, they say they believe you, and then they kiss you. You are confused. You don’t know how to be asexual and in a relationship. Your partner asks, how can I please you? and you say, I don’t know. You want to feel “turned on.” You try so, so hard. And you want to want to please your partner, but you don’t know how to want that either. Your partner kisses you and you shut down. You feel lips against yours. You feel nothing, nothing, nothing.
