If you want this job, just tear up your Tuesday. Just take it and throw it in the garbage, take your garbage out because you’re a conscientious citizen of spaceship earth, and watch the garbage man truck it off to dump in a pile of trash, falling on top of the fetid mush of your last Tuesday, which is crushing the rotting heap of the Tuesday before that, and the one before that, and down and down until, beneath it all, is the first day you started working here in the office.
That being said, I swear I enjoyed my time here. Remember that while reading the rest of this piece.
My experience on this paper has been one of continuous, often fruitless problem solving. It could be an incredible trip, at first, coming in each week to work on something so desperately in need of help and getting a crack at the paper’s many, many issues. We’ve come a long way.
I was initially scouted both to write for The Weekly and help with layout, but I stopped writing at the end of my sophomore year, coinciding with my leaving the Op/Ed editor position. I was very bad at it. Not only just bad at the job, I made a few mistakes that had some spectacular fallout. I’ve been on layout officially the two years since.
It’s the kind of job that is draining and relentless when done alone. Luckily, I’ve had this wonderful cast to help me along the way, and today I’m going to return the favor:
• Greg talked me into coming in to help out at The Weekly in the fall of my sophomore year, and I’ve never forgiven him.
• Alyssa’s taste for gap-toothed hockey players is only less remarkable than her inability to get a date. She would sell out any of us for literally any dog.
• No matter who you are or where you find yourself, somewhere, somehow, Emily Davidson is studying for the MCATs.
• I know Melissa Reph’s ao3 username and Ian Adler’s real birthday, and they both best not forget.
• Emily Drake is so antisocial, she technically qualifies as a cryptid.
• Will Wamser doesn’t use tabs. Instead, he inputs twelve individual spaces. He will lie about this.
• The only thing more hit or miss than A&C is Lauren and Brooke’s fashion sense.
• Matt Riebesell is the perfect section editor, and that’s about it.
• Johannah Wai is just a nice and committed person who has hasn’t answered a text message since 2015.
• I have not worked with Sydney Coplin long enough to have a good roast. I leave this task to future generations.
• I have no doubt that Chloe Gravereaux will go mad with power the moment Greg leaves.
• I’m afraid that I won’t know a group like this again.