Come one come all! To the spectacular miracular exhibition of all things good (me) and strong (me). For you see, this year is our year! We run this city, for we are the oldest and we are the tallest and we have met our fate dead on. We are the ones with the power, finally. For years we have taken the swirlies and torment of those older than us, and quite frankly younger as well. This is something we all have had to go through with. How many times have we all had to go to the doctor because an upperclassman shoved a bee’s rump in our ears? How many times have we had to roam the streets of Allentown bare as the day we were born to prove loyalty to the seniors of the day? But that was only because we were less than. We were all less than. And I am now more than. We all had to do these things because we were not seniors. But that day has passed.
Now that we finally have the respect, here are 20 tips to ensure you make me make the most of your last year here at Muhlenberg.
Tip number one! Bringing a friend when you sleep in the bell tower is an absolute must. No Muhlenberg senior can feel comfortable walking down the aisle without first taking a night to sleep in the haunted old bell tower. But at the same time, power is in numbers, and as your soon to be potential king, I will be more powerful. I will squash your lame excuse for a resistance once you follow these tips to make me rule this school. So be sure to roll up with your main crew, troll out with stain crew and bowl out with your lame crew. And before I forget, don’t forget to have fun.
Tip num. two! Nothing beats a good sandwich. Senior year can be stressful! That’s why you always have to take the time for you and relax with a big old sandwich. The great thing about sandwiches is that you can put whatever you want on them. This can be easy to forget, but don’t beat yourself up, you’re still learning. So just relax and be sure to have fun with your friends and have a sandwich on me because after all, you’re still young. This action of eating a sandwich may seem small, but it shall consolidate my influence over the student body. I choose what you eat.
“Now that we finally have the respect, here are 20 tips to ensure you make me make the most of your last year here at Muhlenberg”
Tip the third! Rule. This. School. It is vitally important that we rule this school this year. We own the bees. We own the rumps. We. Own. Our. Ears. If not every senior makes a true effort to rule this school then everyone will keep walking all over us like they have been. This is our last chance to be shown any respect. No one talks about it, but I am sick and tired of being sick and tired! But for us to truly rule this school, we need a figurehead. Someone to lead, someone to stand for all of us. I have lived in the brunt of the filth, I know the common man, as I will soon hold him in my iron grip. I have the serf’s interests at heart. They have it bad, really bad. Which brings me to…
Tip 4! Let’s be bad. We don’t have to listen anymore. It’s time we own who we are and be the bad little babies we know ourselves to be! Have a little extra dessert, go ahead and be bad! You don’t have to shower, you’re too bad to smell. Take that dog, that dog needs a bad owner and you are bad! War crimes be damned, the security and safety of our people are imperative. We must be bad to be good. Bad for the bee is good for the stinger, and I shall sting all once you follow these 20 tips for me to rule this school. But, keep in mind, being bad has its drawbacks, that’s where…
The fifth tip comes in! If I get in trouble, call my dad. He is a cop after all.
Oh Christ, this is not good. Oh my god, I messed up so bad. I’m almost out of space and have done only 5 tips when I promised 20. I’m freaking out here man, what do I do? This is bad, not in the fun tip 4 way. Okay, rapid fire. Tip 6: Live for the now. Tip 7: But keep your head in the stars. Tip 8: While looking to the future. Tip 9: And don’t forget your past.
Finally, tip 10 is that you’ve got to have fun.
And with that I’ve fulfilled my promise by supplying 10 tips. That’s what I said I would do, 10 tips. TEN. TIPS. Understand? That’s how this is gonna work. Don’t you look up to check, just trust me. You know what, tip 11 is that you have to trust me. That is truth now, as your new potentially soon to be ruler, I say what is truth. I’m the only one who loves you and who will ever love you. If you don’t trust me, you’re gonna lose me. If you lose me, you’re gonna have no one and nothing. I made you who you are. You were nothing before me and you’ll be nothing again if I say so. Understand that, punk? And now because I’ve delivered the 11 tips you need to finally rule this freaking dump of a school, making me the king of the dump, you may bow.